


extraspection

by fivour



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Demon Deals, Demons, Emotional Manipulation, Family Issues, Flashbacks, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Minor Violence, References to Depression, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, reijis a bit ooc but thats bc hes been thru literal hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2020-06-29 10:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 27,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19828462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fivour/pseuds/fivour
Summary: A short, young looking guy was in Ranmaru's spot on the dock, and despite wanting to tell him to move, he didn't feel like it. He was tired. So he sat, and drank with this stranger, and neither bothered each other for a while.





	1. desperation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Look at me, Ranmaru," he says, suddenly sweet and gentle like he was a hurt kitten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i?? chapter one and two somehow got switched around and i NEVER noticed i am so sorry. i fixed it and will be paying closer attention to whether the others get goofed.

Ranmaru comes here to drink often — out on the dock, no one bothers him. He can be away from it all and listen to the waves. It's peaceful, usually.

Tonight, a man had apparently had the same idea he did. A short, young looking guy was in Ranmaru's spot, and despite wanting to tell him to move, he didn't feel like it. He was tired. So he sat, and drank with this stranger, and neither bothered each other for a while.

"I hate to disturb you," the man breaks the silence, and Ranmaru frowns. "But you seem tired."

Ranmaru chuckles. "You could call it that."

The other smiles sympathetically, looking at him. He can feel his eyes on him, and it's unnerving but he blames it on the beer.

"I'm all ears, if you have a story."

"You don't know?" Ranmaru asks, turning to him.

"Should I?" he replies, but it doesn't sound snarky. The man seems genuinely confused.

"Well..." he sighs. What the hell? They'll never see each other again. Why not blow off steam? "Money problems. Dad's not doin' so hot. I come here to forget it. Drink some. Never seen you here before."

"Mm. I live up the road. But that's rough, pal," he frowns, and pats his back.

"Don't call me pal," Ranmaru shrugs his hand off, but the stranger doesn't seem to mind his coldness.

"Not from here, I'm guessing?" he chuckles. "City, yeah?"

"...Yeah. Why?"

"Most people around here are friendly."

Ranmaru looks down at the water, and a small, frail part of him wants to apologize. "Most people don't touch strangers in the city."

The man laughs, smiling. "Well, I'm Reiji. Now I'm not a stranger anymore."

"I wouldn't assume that."

"You know me now, don't ya?" Reiji asks. "In fact, now you're the stranger."

"I know you're annoying," Ranmaru grumbles, and it just earns another laugh.

"Not the worst I've gotten."

"Not surprised," he mutters. "Ranmaru."

"Hm?"

"Name's Ranmaru."

"Oh. That's a nice name."

"Thanks. Parents gave it to me."

Reiji laughs, and Ranmaru has to crack a smile too.

"I like you. You're funny," Reiji says, and burps. Not one for manners, Ranmaru guesses. "I come out here sometimes. I guess not often enough."

"Guess not."

Another silence falls over them, and Ranmaru begins to feel uneasy. He doesn't like this. Reiji's too friendly. Nice people are suspicious people. Especially ones the pat your back and call you _pal_ even though they look like a teenager. But that's just Ranmaru being Ranmaru, surely.

"Your dad a businessman or something?" Reiji asks, just when it started to feel comfortable again.

"...Yeah. Got screwed over."

Reiji seems to think for a while. Ranmaru tenses up when he puts his hand on his knee, and looks over at him. He's too close. Back off, back off, back...

"I could help you out."

"What are you, a whore?" Ranmaru scowls. "Ain't got money. Can't buy ya."

"You're real funny. I'm better than a prostitute," Reiji smiles. "I can do a lot more for you."

"You're creepin' me out, kid. C'mon," Ranmaru tries to move his knee away, but Reiji's grip is surprisingly strong and he holds it down.

"I want to do business with you," he continues, as if it's nothing. "I can get your dad his business back if you do something for me."

"Look, I really don't know what you're selling here, but I don't want it."

"I'm not selling. I'm buying."

"The fuck man?"

"Settle down," Reiji chides. "Do you believe in Hell?"

"Alright, what the fuck?" Ranmaru struggles harder. Reiji's got his arm around his shoulder now, and the only way out is in the water because he's a lot stronger than Ranmaru is.

Reiji's smile is still friendly, not nearly as threatening as his words. The guy's nuts. And deadlifts more than Ranmaru, who's twice his size. That's it. Ranmaru came here on the one night the town Satanic gym rat was hanging out. If it weren't for bad luck, he'd have none at all.

"Look at me, Ranmaru," he says, suddenly sweet and gentle like he was a hurt kitten. Ranmaru decides it's best to go along. The guy could shove him in the lake after all.

Black eyes look back at him. He has to blink to make sure it isn't the light playing tricks on him. Reiji's eyes are certainly black. Completely. Ranmaru's speechless. He didn't exactly inspect them before, but people's eyes don't do that.

"Do you believe in Hell?" he asks again, and _tsk_ s when Ranmaru shakes his head. "You should."

"I'm not... religious or whatever."

"Really?" Reiji seems surprised. "So you wouldn't believe me when I tell you I'm a demon?"

"No. I believe you're a fuckin' weirdo."

Reiji laughs again. It's becoming more and more unsettling. "You wouldn't be wrong. But whether you believe me or not, I can help you."

"How do you know?"

"I know everything about you, Ranmaru. I've been watching you. You have something I want, and I can give you something _you_ want."

Ranmaru mutters under his breath about psychos these days, but Reiji pretends not to hear him. "What do I have?"

"A soul," Reiji answers. He lets it set before he goes on. "You go through all this pain and suffering and yet, you still go on. Like you have a purpose. What do you think your purpose is?"

"...I don't know," Ranmaru says it slowly, like he's unsure. He is. But he isn't going to have a therapy session with a wackjob.

"You humans are so cute," he chuckles. "I see your soul. It's tattered but you don't seem bothered by it. I like that. You're strong."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"You should," Reiji assures him. "It's so strong, that I want it. I lost mine a long time ago."

"...Take someone else's."

"Cute. You think I'll settle."

"Yeah. I do."

"I won't. I want yours."

"How are you gonna get it then?" Ranmaru feels cocky now. If he plays along, he has... something he 'wants' or whatever. Leverage.

"I can do bad things just as well I can do good things," Reiji grins. "I know your father is old. He's crashing. It wouldn't take a lot."

Ranmaru has to focus here. This guy is... strong, somehow. He's psychotic. He's threatening to kill his dad. Demons aren't real but murderers are and he has a feeling he's with one.

"Fine. Take it," he finally tells him.

"It's not that easy," he pats his shoulder. "I fix your dad's business. Your family has been through so much, that they finally realize you exist. And you live happily ever after. Sound good?"

How does he know that? "Yes. What do I do?"

"Say yes. Kiss me," Reiji answers. "I'll collect my due when I need it."

"You are a whore, huh?"

"You're lucky you're pretty."

"I'd tell you the same, but I'm not into crazy."

Reiji snorts, turning Ranmaru's head towards him. "If you walk away, everything goes to shit. So just kiss me now."

Ranmaru grits his teeth. Add sex offender to the list of interesting things about this guy.

"I'm not gay," Ranmaru lies.

"Cute. I _know_ you Ranmaru," Reiji insists. "I can practically hear your thoughts. You're gay. You're depressed, too. A part of you wants to kill yourself every time you come here. Doesn't it?"

"I-"

"You want to drown, oh-so badly. A part of you believes me. You want to say yes to me. You know the pain goes away when you have no soul. Ain't I right?"

"Oh, just shut the fuck up," Ranmaru grumbles, and grabs his face. Their teeth click together, it's uncomfortable and unpleasant, but that's just what Reiji wants. To rile him up. Make him angry. See him snap.

"Not a good kisser, are you?" Reiji mocks, letting go of Ranmaru. "Go home. I won't keep you waiting."

* * *

Ranmaru's never been so glad to be home. He doesn't live with his family anymore. Hasn't for years. Yet for the first time in a long time, he wants to call them.

Maybe if that psycho kills him in his sleep, his family will have a nice memory of him.

And so he calls.

"Hello?" his father's gruff, sleepless voice answers. At least it's him.

"Hey, dad," Ranmaru's never called him _dad_ before. It was always father. He's got his attention. "How are you?"

"Are you sick?" he laughs, but it turns into a wheeze in seconds. "I'm doin' fine, son."

"Good. Listen, uh... I'm sorry."

"Sorry? What's wrong, Ranmaru?"

"For the shit I put you through. You're a good dad. I'm not a good son," Ranmaru has to force the words out, adding, "Don't make me say that again."

"Ranmaru? What's going on with you?" he asks, but Ranmaru's put the phone down already.

Well, maybe not a good memory. But a memory at the very least. It's the thought that counts.

He paces, grabbing a beer from his fridge. He hates binge drinks, but tonight he may have a good, long one. It helps. He tries to force the part of him that wants to convince him into submission, trying to keep rational.

Reiji, if that is his name, was insane. No doubt about that. He had to be a lot taller than Ranmaru thought he was, too. He was too strong for someone who looked 15. Ranmaru's gone to the gym nearly every morning for years, and he couldn't push him off if he tried.

But he was... oddly calm. He was nice until he wasn't. Crazy people are different, aren't they? Reiji didn't look crazy. Not when he had... normal eyes, at least. That, now, Ranmaru can't shake that.

He flops on the ratty old couch, putting his feet up. This is stupid. He should just hope he didn't follow him home. His locks are shit, but they're better than nothing.

Ranmaru stares at the ceiling, sitting upright when he nearly chokes on his beer. That was stupid, too.

"Not a good drunk either, are you?"

He nearly jumps out of his skin, and they're both surprised he hasn't dropped his bottle.

"What the absolute _fuck_? How'd you get in?"

Reiji shakes his head. "So crude. I just want to apologize."

"I'll call the cops. Get the fuck out," Ranmaru demands.

"You think that's scary?" Reiji chuckles. "You _are_ funny."

"Out. Now."

"Alright, alright. I'm sorry for earlier. I'm usually a nice guy. But you're very stubborn," he admits. "And it frustrated me."

"Bring me the phone if you ain't scared."

"So mean. I'll leave you."

"G- the hell?" Ranmaru blinks, and he's gone.

Today has been screwy. Someone had to slip him something somewhere. He needs a shower and a good, hard nap.


	2. desperation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well... I do have a favor to ask you," Reiji squeezes his knee, chuckling when Ranmaru jerks it away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch1 and ch2 should be correct now. goddamn it ao3.
> 
> somehow ch2 now has ch1's name, but i can't remember what its old name is..... god ao3 is trying to fuck this fic over

Reiji walks down the dock, pleased to see his new friend sitting at the end. He knows he isn't waiting for him, but he thinks of it more as a pleasant surprise.

"Hey, tough guy! How ya doin'?" he greets, sitting cross legged next to him. Ranmaru jumps, but doesn't get up.

"Was it you?" he asks.

"I'd be a liar if I didn't keep my word," Reiji smiled, almost touched by the subtle look of gratefulness on Ranmaru's face. "Did I do well?"

"My sister has never called me her brother before."

Reiji's smile widened, and he put his hand on Ranmaru's shoulder. He had to be in shock, because he didn't shrug him off.

"You didn't... do anything to them, did you? Those are really them?" Ranmaru asks, and Reiji's almost saddened that he's serious. Even his own brothers are kinder than Ranmaru's family seems to be.

"I didn't, honey."

"I ain't your honey," he frowns.

"There he is," Reiji laughs.

They sit for a while, before Ranmaru pipes up.

"So... you're the real deal? Or whatever?"

"I'm not sure how else I can show you that I am," Reiji cocks an eyebrow, a look that's so innocent it confuses Ranmaru.

"I dunno. Do demon stuff."

"Demon stuff?"

"Yeah."

Reiji thinks for a moment, before hopping up and walking off somewhere. Ranmaru watches as he picks a handful of wild flowers and grass, and comes back.

"Not much," he shrugs, as Ranmaru watches the flora die in his hand. "But is that demon stuff?"

"Oh. Yeah, kinda."

"That was awful easy for someone as stubborn as you."

"Oh, I'm not convinced," Ranmaru promises. "That'll take some time, considering."

"Considering?"

"If Hell's a thing, ain't Heaven? I don't buy into that God stuff."

"Hm. I guess something heaven like may," Reiji says. "But I... I, uh, don't really know."

"You don't? Ain't you a demon?" Ranmaru asks, and Reiji frowns at the mocking tone of his voice.

"Yes. Because I went to Hell."

"Satan real?"

"Don't know."

"What _is_ Hell?" Ranmaru sounds like a child, and it's endearing.

"Well... a lot of torture."

"Torture?"

"Lots. Until you forget your name. I only remember mine because..." Reiji trails off, shaking his head. "But then you escape. Most of us do."

"Most?"

"We don't keep together, but I'm sure there's many all over this world."

Ranmaru nods. This has to be weird for him, but Reiji has no point in hiding it. He'd find out either way.

"So, if you aren't full of bullshit... what happens now?" His childlike curiosity is gone, replaced with something that resembles doubt.

"Well... I do have a favor to ask you," Reiji squeezes his knee, chuckling when Ranmaru jerks it away.

"What?"

"It's lonely. Feeling like an outsider. I want... companionship," his words are slow, as if he's trying to figure them out as he talks. "I remember it being nice."

A look of understanding appears, but it's gone as soon as it came. "What do mean by 'companionship'?" Ramaru asks uneasily.

"Friends, I suppose. I want you to be my friend."

Ranmaru goes quiet, seemingly deep in thought. Reiji gets it. This is a lot for a puny human mind. Perhaps, at least. He only faintly remembers most of his human life.

"I owe you one. So fine."

Reiji smiles a little. How sweet. "You don't know the price of a human soul, do you?"

"No. Like I said, I don't buy into that stuff," Ranmaru crosses his arms.

"A human soul is worth a lot. More than a life," he trails his fingers down Ranmaru's back, pleased at how he squirms. "More than a meat suit like yours, even."

"That's a pleasant way to put it."

"Well, that's what you are," he says it like it's a well known fact.

Reiji's hand brushes up his back, and he puts his arm around his neck, leaning against him.

"But I've been watching you for so long, you're much more than that to me, of course," he reassures, and Ranmaru pushes him away.

"Don't get touchy. We are _friends_ ," Ranmaru warns, crossing his arms again. He must do that when he's annoyed.

"Sorry. It's been a while. I don't get out much."

"Yeah. Whatever," he takes a drink. He seems to do that, too. "So what now? We talk about the weather or something?"

Reiji laughs. "You ever do comedy?"

"I'm really not that funny. So no. You're just weird."

"How mean. I gave you a compliment."

"Yeah, well, I'm mean. Tough luck."

"Isn't it tough love?"

"Not yet."

They both quieten, and Reiji pulls his knees up to his chest, hugging them. He isn't sure why, but he finds it a comfortable position. He's been contorted and pulled every way there is, so he contributes his liking of curling up to that.

"You do your hair weird," Ranmaru comments after a while.

"I do?" Reiji tilts his head. "This man's hair is quite like mine, so it felt right to do it this way. I remember doing it this way."

"This man?"

"Did you think this was me?" he chuckles at his naivety. "I'm just possessing him."

Ranmaru's curious expression returns. "But that's just a dude. He didn't ask to be possessed."

"He did, actually. I could've gone to my own body, but, um... I don't know how to swim."

"What, you drowned?" Ranmaru raises his eyebrows.

"Yes. I drowned. Somewhere."

"Oh. That sucks."

"It does," Reiji chuckles again. "I can promise you, you won't die for a long, long time. Be glad."

 _You'll just wish you were dead_.

"Not sure how I feel about that, but gotchya," Ranmaru nods.

He's calmed down considerably since last night. Reiji can tell he feels more comfortable, now that he knows he isn't bluffing. Or, sort of believes that he isn't. How odd. Usually, that would make someone more disturbed.

"Ranmaru, can I ask something?"

"Not gonna stop you."

"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

"I've seen the movies. Exorcisms exist."

"Hm, that's true," Reiji agrees. "But do you know any?"

"Well..." Ranmaru goes silent, and doesn't answer. Reiji laughs.

"You can say no. I can read you like a book, anyways," he smiles. "You're very hard to figure out, y'know."

"Good."

They watch the water for what feels like a whole night. Reiji feels strangely serene next to Ranmaru, just sitting. They've had a nice conversation. He could go now, and be pleased enough until they meet again. But he doesn't... want to. Being able to act on his own wishes is still new.

"Yo. If we're gonna be buddies or some shit," Ranmaru starts, "No more zapping in. Or whatever the hell you did yesterday."

"Oh, that?" Reiji asks. "I just wanted to apologize. It takes too much effort to do that often."

"Good. I don't want visitors when I'm takin' a shit or something."

Reiji snorts. Ranmaru's quite blunt, he's beginning to learn.

* * *

Reiji walks into his house, stretching. He's found that that feels relaxing. He sits at the table, staring at his hands and thinking.

It's been a few months. He could ditch this body now, but he's grown sentimental to it. His name was Hiro. Is Hiro. Reiji considers him alive. At times he can hear him, thinking, seeing through his eyes. They both know Reiji is in control, but it's nice to have a little... well, companionship. He believes they can both understand that.

He doesn't need to eat, but he does nonetheless. Hiro is still alive, and he feels the need to care for his body while he can't. It isn't like he has much else to do, when Ranmaru pushes him away so much.

 _He has a nice home_ , Reiji thinks.

Hiro must've been well off before he let him in. It's nice to think he did that for Reiji, although he knows it's not for him. For any demon. Humans are too selfish to consider the ones they call upon, even in times of need.

Reiji feels terribly lonely, for the first time in all the months he's been topside. Not even watching the television helps. The sound of other voices usually does. He thinks that maybe he misses having human company.

For that, he decides he'll go out. Explore some more. He's never been to more than the bar and the store, to get food when it'd ran out and to have a drink when his body craved it. Hiro must've been an alcoholic, for it was often.

He slips his shoes back on and walks out, heading towards town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i debated on just updating the tags but i might as well let yall know what youre in for yknow


	3. desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can hear the door close and footsteps jog after him. He has to laugh a little. That guy's so short, it's just comedic. A bit sad. But mostly comedic.

The sun peaks through the curtains when Ranmaru wakes up, rolling over on the uncomfortable mattress. He's been meaning to replace it, but they're so damn expensive nowadays.

He stretches, and drags his feet into the kitchen to make breakfast. His stomach growls at the thought of eggs.

"Ranmaru?"

He grabs onto the fridge, turning around once he's sure he won't fall over.

"The fuck, man? I said none of that shit," he groans. Reiji's sitting at the table, chuckling at him.

"I've been waiting on you to get up. I promise I walked here."

"...How long have you been here?"

"Ah, ten minutes?" Reiji guesses. "Not long."

"Don't you sleep?"

"Not really."

"Well I do. And this is too damn early," he grumbles, directing his focus back on his breakfast. "You eat?"

He can't believe himself. He's offering to feed this guy. This is bullshit. What's he doing?

"S'ppose I can," Reiji shrugs. "I got bored so I came. I'm sorry."

"Fine. Just... you got a phone or something?" he looks over his shoulder.

"I don't think so."

"You need one."

"I'll see if I can get one."

Reiji goes silent, and Ranmaru doesn't try to keep a conversation going anymore. He just focuses on cooking, and slides Reiji a plate when he goes to sit down and eat.

"If you don't sleep, why do you eat?" Ranmaru finds himself curious. He's interesting, if nothing else.

"This man is still alive. He needs food. I don't want him to starve."

"Weirdly considerate, but alright."

"What?" Reiji cocks his head. "I can't be nice?"

"Well, you're just... I dunno," Ranmaru shoves a mouthful of eggs in. "You're supposed to be mean. Scary. Not nice."

Reiji smiles a little. "I guess that's how you think of us. But we aren't all bad."

Ranmaru looks confused for a moment, but shakes it, and continues to eat.

"What? Some of us aren't out for blood. Is that surprising?"

"Kinda."

"You shouldn't talk with your mouth full," Reiji scolds, and Ranmaru rolls his eyes. "I think there's two ways we turn out. Hateful or broken."

"Y'know, you're pretty philosophical."

"I am? I just say what I think," he says, beginning to eat. "This is really good."

"Fanks," Ranmaru says through a mouthful of eggs. Reiji covers his mouth when he laughs.

Maybe this guy isn't so bad. He's annoying, but not so bad. Ranmaru likes people who don't filter themselves. Then again, he doesn't know if he _is_ honest or not. Ranmaru's tired of trying to find that out about people anymore.

"I try to cook, but it never really tastes that good so I just buy food," Reiji admits.

"Poor you," Ranmaru grumbles.

"Poor me?"

"You just buy whatever whenever you want?"

"Well, yes, I think."

"Don't spend all his money. Don't think he'd like that." This is weird. Ranmaru feels like he's acting in a play.

"Oh. I guess I'll have to come here more often then," Reiji says playfully.

Ranmaru groans. Why'd he say anything? It isn't his money. Let the guy blow it.

The rest of breakfast is uneventful, until they're both done and Ranmaru leaves him alone with a warning of _don't fuckin' touch nothing_. So Reiji sits with his hands in his lap, looking around some more.

While Reiji snoops from his spot at the table, Ranmaru showers. He was going to hit the gym for the morning, but his little visitor just had to pop in. He gets to thinking about how he even _got_ in. Oh well. He's known the locks are crap for a while now. He could've just... demon-ed in, or some shit like that, too.

When he's changed and presentable, he's immediately met with "Do you like music?" as soon as he exits his room.

"Yeah. Why?"

Reiji points up at the few framed band photos on the otherwise bare wall. "I figured you must to have that."

Ranmaru sits down again, looking at him. "You know who they are, kid?"

"I'm not a kid," Reiji frowns. "But no. I don't."

"AC/DC. Haven't heard good music 'til you've heard them."

"You should play them for me sometime, then."

"Maybe," Ranmaru says. "You wanna go for a walk?" He hasn't taken one for a while, and it's one of the few things he can think of to do with... him.

Reiji perks up. "I like walks."

"Don't start waggin' your tail," Ranmaru gets up, and slips on his shoes before heading out the door.

He can hear the door close and footsteps jog after him. He has to laugh a little. That guy's so short, it's just comedic. A bit sad. But mostly comedic.

"You're mean," Reiji whines when he catches up.

"Get used to it, buddy."

"Buddy?"

"Shut up."

Reiji smiles. From what he can tell, there's no menace behind Ranmaru's words and it makes him happy.

"Did you do anything last night?" he tries to start a conversation to fill the time.

"Not really," Ranmaru shrugs. "I was tired."

"I see. I had sex."

"Thanks for sharing," he says sarcastically. "Maybe don't tell people that."

"Why not?"

"It's weird."

"But it's normal, isn't it?"

"Well, I guess. But I don't really wanna hear about your sex life."

"Oh," Reiji sounds so disappointed, it's almost funny.

"What, was it that good?" he jokes, looking at him.

"Yeah. I'd say so."

"...Was she pretty?"

"He was very handsome."

"Oh," Ranmaru raises his eyebrows. "Spicy."

Reiji gives him a confused look, and he chuckles.

"You're gay?"

"I'm not picky."

"I see," Ranmaru nods. "You don't seem like a ladies' man."

"Why not?"

"Just don't."

"I can assure you, women like me very much."

Ranmaru tries not to laugh. Reiji's so awkward, it's hilarious.

"That's nice. Women don't like me," he admits.

"I find that hard to believe. You're nice looking."

"You tryin' to flirt with me?"

"No. Just a fact."

"Guess you learn something new everyday," Ranmaru mutters.

Their talk dies out, and all that's left is the sound of leaves crunching under their feet and birds chirping. It's peaceful and calm, just like Ranmaru likes for his morning walks. Reiji's not a bad addition, when he isn't talking about his dick like some middle schooler.

"You seem really into fitness," Reiji comments.

"I guess. Just like to stay healthy."

"You're really muscular."

"Thanks?" Ranmaru questions. "I'll take that as a good thing."

"I think it's nice."

"Y'know, you're kinda different from when we met."

"How's that?"

"You're less... energetic. I dunno. I like this better," Ranmaru adds quickly. "But you just changed. Quieter."

"Well," Reiji thinks for a moment. "I guess so. I was trying to get you to open up then."

"Comforting."

"I didn't want to scare you off. I'm like this most of the time. It's easier."

Ranmaru nods. This much he can understand. It's always easier to just _be_ and not think too much about what you say or feel. It's weird how he relates to him, when he says things like this.

Reiji's hand bumps his but he ignores it, until it's obvious he's trying to hold it.

"Hey. Watch it."

"Don't people do that? Hold hands?" Reiji's voice has no bad intentions. Just curiosity. Supposedly.

"Yeah, when they're dating," Ranmaru puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "We aren't dating."

"I didn't mean it like that," he says apologetically, copying him.

Ranmaru sighs. This guy is like a puppy. You tell him no and he begs. "Fine."

"Huh?"

"Fine. Hold my hand. I don't care."

Reiji seems about to protest, but holds out his hand for Ranmaru to take anyways. That didn't take long. Is he really inside his head, or is Ranmaru just nicer than he appears?

Ranmaru takes it, and Reiji seems happy again. So pathetically easy to make him happy. His hand is cold, even though it's hot out today. Maybe that's some kind of weird hellspawn thing. He doesn't know.

"You're warm," Reiji hugs Ranmaru's arm, and he's so surprised he isn't sure whether to shrug him off or not.

"Uh... are you... cold?" Lame. Ranmaru is being lame. _Just tell him off, for fuck's sake_.

"I think I always am," he chuckles.

He does feel cold. Ranmaru hadn't even noticed that Reiji's wearing a jacket, of all things to be wearing in the middle of summer. His hands are like ice around his arm.

"How are you cold?" Ranmaru has to ask. He has to know.

"You think Hell is a lovely spring day?" he chuckles, and Ranmaru feels it in his arm. He's never felt someone laugh before.

It isn't horrible, now that it's happening.

"No. Never really thought about it."

"It's hot. Do you think it's hot out here?"

"A little, but I have a monkey hanging off my arm so that doesn't help."

Reiji laughs, and presses his cheek against Ranmaru's shoulder. He shrugs away. "Cute."

"Quit callin' me cute."

"Mm... I don't think I want to."

"Well I want you to. And who has the soul?"

"I can snap your arm," Reiji offers, and he can feel him smile. Weird. He's weird.

"That's fair enough. Continue."

Reiji chuckles again. Ranmaru's sure he could break his arm. He's fucking strong, but after their talk it makes more sense now. He's not really human. He guesses.

It's odd, how much more human Reiji feels than most of the people Ranmaru has known.


	4. selfishness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiji sighs and kicks the bottle as it sinks. He probably shouldn't get his feet so wet. Wet clothes are unpleasant.

Reiji feels refreshed today, despite not sleeping. He rests, of course, but he knows the two are different. Some things he just knows.

He's pleased. He managed to get Ranmaru to let him hug him a few days ago, and that seems like a win in itself. It's so nice to touch someone else. He didn't really hug him, but it was contact and Reiji appreciates what he can get. Especially from someone so bullheaded.

It's noon before he feels truly awake and alert. He eats, and thinks about that morning. He'd gotten himself up and walked right over to Ranmaru's flat. Which he didn't seem to like even though that's what he told him to do, wasn't it?

He can't figure out what he wants and then he won't take it when he gets it. Typical.

Reiji pads into the office space, beginning to notice how different Hiro's and Ranmaru's homes seem. Ranmaru must have meant it when he said they had 'money problems'. Thinking back on how baren and empty his place was, it was probably more serious than what he'd like to admit.

Humans are odd. How they lose things so quickly. Reiji almost smiles, knowing he's helped them for now. Maybe Ranmaru will buy some nicer chairs for himself.

Hiro doesn't have very much himself, either. His home is full of furniture, but there are no family photos. No memorabilia. Only few a framed paintings. It's spacious but not the cozy type. Perhaps they're in the same boat and Reiji just didn't realize it. But Hiro has money. He spends it all the time.

He shakes his head. Why's he thinking about this so much? Ranmaru's human. He doesn't pity him. Shouldn't, at least. Humans haven't been near as much as he has, and yet they still feel sorry for themselves.

Humans are selfish. That's all.

Maybe that's why Ranmaru is poor. They were selfish. Reiji decides he'll look into it some time, because he knows he'll never get the story out of his dear friend.

Thinking of it, Ranmaru said he needed a phone. Reiji looks around, searches through drawers. His little bunk mate is silent inside his head, so although he feels bad rummaging through his things, he just about has to. He knows what a cellphone looks like, at least. Right? He still isn't sure how long it's actually been. You lose track of time in the pit.

* * *

Reiji makes his way to the dock once again when night falls and finds Ranmaru sitting there.

"Hey," he greets, plopping himself down next to him.

Ranmaru looks at him, confused. "How long will this last?"

"Hm?"

"They offered to let me move back in," Ranmaru told him, taking a drink of his beer.

"Isn't that good?" Reiji tilts his head.

"Don't wanna move back in."

"You confuse me," he admits. "I give you what you want yet... you're still so unhappy and hateful."

Rannaru's quiet, takes a nice, long swig. Reiji wants to figure him out. There's more to this man than just what he knows, and he doesn't like not knowing things.

"'M not hateful."

"You seem to be."

"Quit assuming things. I don't even know those people."

"You... don't know your family?"

"Is that so hard to believe?" Ranmaru spits, and gets up.

He throws his beer into the water, and walks away. Reiji wants to go after him, to apologize. His intention wasn't to make him angry, but he feels as though Ranmaru's aware of that despite his reaction.

Reiji sighs and kicks the bottle as it sinks. He probably shouldn't get his feet so wet. Wet clothes are unpleasant.

He sits and contemplates for a while. He could follow him. Risk him getting even angrier. The idea of Ranmaru trying to hurt him makes Reiji... sad.

He'll leave him, he decides. Ranmaru will come back tomorrow. He always does.

Reiji isn't good at listening though. If he were, would he be a demon? He goes after him, when he isn't looking.

Ranmaru must want to be very far away from his home. It takes twenty minutes, maybe more. Reiji feels his feet begin to drag, trying to keep up with his long strides. It would've taken less energy to just snap himself there, but he's being considerate.

He stops at his door, and turns around. Reiji freezes, and stands there while he looks him over. A human's gaze has never felt so judgemental.

"You think I'm dense or somethin'?" Ranmaru finally speaks, and Reiji shakes his head.

"No. But I want to-"

"Don't care. Get in here," he opens the door. Reiji walks in, but he has to question himself. Why is he listening to this man? This mortal man, with no power over him?

Reiji stands there awkwardly while Ranmaru shrugs off his jacket and shoes, and is taken aback when he pulls him closer. He doesn't say anything — just grabs his face roughly and pulls him in for a kiss.

It's so much softer than the first night they met. So much sweeter. Reiji thinks back to the man he'd been with before, and decides that Ranmaru's kiss is much better.

"You wanna fuck?"

There goes the sweetness, but he supposes that's normal for him.

Reiji nods and follow him into his bedroom, feeling completely and utterly confused. He wants this. He knows he does, he has. But... he made him mad, yet now he wants sex? After telling him not even a week ago that he wanted to just be friends? Reiji wonders if this is a human thing, or a Ranmaru thing. He can't recall.

Ranmaru shoves him into the bed, and he figures this is how he releases all the pent up anger. Pushing things. Sex. He's so easy to read, yet so difficult.

He's never been in his bedroom, and it's even more bare and spotless than the rest of his home. Reiji tries not to focus on it, but even for him it's depressing how empty his home is.

"Ranmaru," Reiji breathes when he has the chance, and the other looks at him.

"What?" It isn't bitter, but it's annoyed.

"I thought you said we were just friends."

"Friends with benefits," — he says like he hates the term — "exists. Take what you can get."

Reiji nods, kissing him again. He likes this. Ranmaru's pushy, but it's in the right direction. He isn't sure, still, that he really wants to just be friends. Isn't this something that people do when they're attracted to each other? Friends aren't attracted to each other, are they?

He isn't the human. He doesn't know the culture anymore. He might as well let things happen.

The entire point of escaping was a second chance at life, he reasons. What is that worth if he doesn't take it?


	5. greed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Some demons aren't as happy to share as I am," Reiji says it like he should know this. "Most aren't."

Ranmaru wakes up, and he's cold. Very much so. He blinks the tiredness out of his eyes before he realizes his head is laying on a chest, and almost panics when the feeling of fingers in his hair registers.

Oh. Right. They... did that.

Reiji's fingers feel thin and soothing in his messy hair, and he contemplates not letting him know he's awake. This is... calm. He doesn't want to admit that he enjoys this. He won't admit it, actually.

"Ranmaru?" Reiji whispers, and he swears under his breath.

"Mornin'."

Reiji ruffles his hair, which earns a loud groan and in turn a laugh. Ranmaru remembers that he doesn't sleep, and it feels a little unnerving that he probably watched him sleep the entire night.

He pulls himself away silently, grabbing clothes from his drawers and shuffling into the bathroom. Reiji can wait on him.

Ranmaru leans against the mirror and looks at himself. Unlike normal, he doesn't immediately see regret for what he's done. He feels _better_. The ache in his hips makes him feel more alive than he's felt in months.

Fuck this. Enough self reflection for today.

He comes back out to Reiji already dressed. Demons must not feel sore. He looks pleased to be awake. Or, up. Whatever the hell you would call it, the son of a bitch is smiling at him.

"You look different," Reiji comments.

"Didn't do nothin' different," Ranmaru grumbles, watching him as the brunette walks up to him.

His touch is gentle, as he caresses his cheek. Ranmaru feels odd. He doesn't hate it. This is weird again.

"No... you just look happier," he states. "Was I that good?"

Ranmaru snorts, and bats his hand away. He doesn't give an answer, letting Reiji wonder for himself.

"You want bacon with your eggs?" he asks, heading into the kitchen.

"Sure."

Reiji sits and waits as he cooks, and Ranmaru hates the silence that follows. It's not like he loves their conversations, but it's empty.

"What do you like to eat?"

"I don't know. I'm sure whatever you make will be good," Reiji compliments.

"Dumbass. If you're gonna mooch off me for food every day you might as well have a say in it."

"Oh. I guess that's fair. I like meat quite a bit," he thinks.

Ranmaru smiles to himself. "Good taste."

"Ah... thank you," Reiji sounds so uncertain that Ranmaru laughs.

* * *

"I like that song," Reiji smiles, when Ranmaru finishes playing his bass for him.

He promised he would play him AC/DC. So he did. He chuckles a little. Reiji's so damn clueless.

"Nice. It's called Hell's Bells."

"Oh... why? It doesn't sound like bells. Or Hell."

"You're lucky you're pretty, moron," Ranmaru sighs. That was painful to hear.

"What'd I say?" Reiji whines. "It doesn't! There must be something missing."

"The words make it come together a little more."

"Then why don't you sing for me?"

It's an innocent question, but it makes Ranmaru anxious. He hates to admit that singing makes him nervous. Especially to anyone who could use that type of thing against him.

"They're in English."

"Don't you know English?"

"Not really," he lies.

"Hm. You seem to have a lot of other talents. But you can't speak English?" Reiji mocks.

Ranmaru frowns. "That's rude."

"It's more rude to lie to me," he retorts.

"I'm no-"

"You are. I can tell when you lie. You're horrible at it."

Ranmaru humphs and looks down at his guitar. Does he want to sing? Not really. Maybe he should. Reiji will keep bugging him until he does, that much is for sure.

"Fine. But you can't laugh at me."

"I'll just do it when you aren't listening," Reiji teases, and Ranmaru smiles a little.

"The peanut gallery is awful loud today," Ranmaru says, pleased with the look of utter confusion on Reiji's face.

Ranmaru plays it again, and sings. He feels as though it's the vocal equivalent of dog food, but he pushes through. Reiji's expression changes each time he glances up from the strings and it's amusing enough to distract him from that.

He rolls his eyes when Reiji applauds at the end, sitting his bass back on its stand.

"You're very good!" Reiji smiles, and the look of adoration on his face is odd. Ranmaru isn't used to that sort of thing.

"Sure," he crosses his arms and leans back into the couch.

"You are," he whines again, getting way too far into Ranmaru's personal space bubble. "Your voice is nice. Sexy."

Ranmaru raises an eyebrow. "You think my singin' is sexy?"

Reiji seems to realize what he said, looking down. Ranmaru snorts, bringing him in for a hug. It's meant to be sarcastic. He's ready to ruffle his hair for good measure. But Reiji hugs him back and it feels too genuine to ruin.

It's nice to feel appreciated, whether he accepts it or not.

They pull away, and Reiji folds his legs up to himself. Ranmaru's noticed how much he likes to curl up. It reminds him of a cat.

"I think I need a nickname for you," Reiji decides.

"Don't like nicknames. Sorry kid."

"I think I'll call you RanRan. Do you like that?"

"No."

"Hm. Good," he grins. "I'm gonna call you RanRan."

"It would make me ecstatic if you didn't."

Reiji chuckles, moving to hug Ranmaru's arm. He doesn't pull away, but he definitely grumbles about it.

"RanRan. My RanRan."

"I'm not yours."

"You sort of are," Reiji reminds him. "I can do whatever I want to you."

"You think so?" Ranmaru feels like pushing him off now. Weird, weird, _weird._

"Well, I know so. You're just a man Ranmaru."

"That's a bold thing to say."

"Can you rip someone apart?"

"Well um... no."

"See?" Reiji squeezes his arm. Ow. "You're just a man. You would feel guilt even if you could cause as much pain as I can."

"You should stop acting cute when you say some terminator shit like that, y'know," he tries to redirect the conversation. "It's misleading."

"You think I'm cute?" he grins.

"I'm gonna get a Bible."

Reiji laughs, and cuddles up to Ranmaru's arm. He's so clingy.

"You're funny."

"I've been told."

It becomes quiet, and the only noises is their breathing and the loud air conditioner in the living room window. It's not pretty but it works, like a lot of things in Ranmaru's life.

He flinches when Reiji's fingers start to trail over his thigh. It seems innocent enough, but so did his request for _'_ _companionship,'_ and look where that led.

"Don't," Ranmaru mumbles.

His heart isn't in it. He wants to be doted over. Touched. But he doesn't know if he wants it from Reiji.

"Alright," Reiji apologizes, moving to wrap his arms back around Ranmaru's. "Your arm is very muscular."

Ranmaru chuckles. "Sure is."

"Do you work out often?"

"Every day."

"Why?"

He shrugs. "Feels good. Endorphins and shit."

Reiji nods, seemingly pleased with that answer. He's so inquisitive that he reminds Ranmaru of a little kid. Speaking of little kids, he should probably tell him.

"My, uh, my dad called me. The other day."

"Oh? Is he doing alright?"

Ranmaru's put off but how much it sounds like he might actually care. It's concerning, the more he thinks about it.

"Yeah. Wants to have dinner tonight with all of us and the guy who gave him money."

Reiji seems to tense up. That's not suspicious at all.

"That's nice," he mumbles.

"Tell me, Reiji. What did you do?"

He's quiet for a moment. "I asked a friend for a favor."

"Elaborate, please."

Reiji sighs, his grip tightening on Ranmaru's arm. He seems upset.

"I met one of my brothers and asked him to lose to your father in a poker game."

"...But Dad doesn't gamble."

"He does. He told you he quit, didn't he?" Reiji asks, and he looks up at him sympathetically. "We all come back to our addictions. It was just his time to break."

"You're telling me you made him play again?" Ranmaru's angry now. That's not what he wanted. That's not how this deal was gonna work.

"No, no," Reiji reassures. "I work with what I have. And your father happens to frequent the same casino as my friend."

"Can I know who this friend is, Mr. Honesty?"

"I don't know if it's his real name, but I call him Toki."

"You don't know your friend's name?"

"Some demons aren't as happy to share as I am," Reiji says it like he should know this. "Most aren't. Names have a lot of power to them."

"You seem pretty different from the others. Not surprised."

"I..." he begins to say something, but seems to change his mind. "I guess so."

"Well, anyways. You're gonna have to hang out alone tonight if I'm gonna go," Ranmaru tells him.

"I managed for long enough without you."

Ranmaru is about to comment on how clingy he is, but decides not to. He's right. Probably. They only met a little over a week ago. He feels... strange, realizing he's spent nearly every day or night since with Reiji. He feels even stranger realizing they had sex, too. This has been a weird week.

What's done is done. Can't take it back now.


	6. annoyance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He could always go look for sick animals. He's found that he doesn't like to kill healthy ones.

Reiji can make do, surely. He can find something to entertain himself with that doesn't involve drawing attention. It's so... cold without Ranmaru's warmth. He knows he's growing too attached too quickly, but that's what he does. He wouldn't be Reiji if he didn't become dependant on the first person to give him company.

He considers his options. Where Hiro lives is small. It's mostly farmland and large houses and forest. Reiji enjoys nature, but it's not quite enough to hold him.

He could always go look for sick animals. He's found that he doesn't like to kill healthy ones.

Or he could go far away from here and cause trouble. That could be fun. He frowns. It seems the more bored he is, the more he goes back to his true nature. Reiji isn't very keen on that.

Or... a phone! He needs a phone! Hiro didn't have any, which makes sense in retrospect. He probably didn't live in a farming town to enjoy the internet. Was it still called that? Did they still have that?

It feels like it's been so long since Reiji's been here, yet he's been out for months now. Everything's so new. His new friend (with benefits...? Whatever that meant.) isn't helping to get him settled in, either. Reiji sighs. Again with _Ranmaru_. Ranmaru this, Ranmaru that. He needs a distraction from these pesky thoughts.

He settles for going to the bar. Finding someone to occupy his time. Hiro must be quite popular, because no one has seemed very off put by his advances yet.

He slips his shoes back on and heads out. It's still so fresh, being able to just come and go when he wishes. In Hell, it wasn't possible. If you moved of your own free will, it was... Reiji shudders. He should stop thinking about it. He should just stop thinking at all, really. It's tiresome and humans already do it enough for the rest of the Earth's creatures.

* * *

Reiji walks into the pub and immediately the bartender waves and smiles. He likes how close these people to be with one another. They're so friendly to him.

He wishes they could know and still be so nice.

He orders the usual, the kind that Hiro told him he likes. That was another reason he was beginning to dislike thinking. Hiro was stubborn. He wanted his way, despite giving himself over completely to Reiji.

Humans are so picky. So selfish. Reiji wishes he could say he was never that terribly childish, but he knows he was. He'll never be able to forget it. He takes a long drink when he brings him his beer. Reiji's found that he can't get drunk, whether it's Hiro's fault or his own. It's fun to try and get a buzz at the very least.

His stomach makes a godawful grumble. He misses Ranmaru's cooking. The food here is shit. It tastes worse than shit does, in fact.

"You good, son?" Reiji turns to see an older man next to him.

"Oh, yeah I'm fine," he smiles. "Why?"

"Got a sour look on your face," he admits. He must be foreign, Reiji assumes. He's a redhead, and his accent sounds Scottish.

"I guess I'm just a bit tired," Reiji looks down at his drink. "Long day."

The man pats him on the back, taking a swig of his own glass. "Know how that is."

They sit in silence the rest of the time he's there, until the man says goodbye and leaves. Reiji finds it odd, but pleasant how everyone here treats each other as... family.

He enjoys people watching here. Bars seems to be where humans' true colors show, from what his experience and television would have him believe. Hiro must be very nice when he's drunk. Reiji's thankful that they seem to be quite similar people.

Is he really a person? He doesn't actually tend to think about it. Maybe he'll ask what... maybe he'll ask someone what they think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones short :| it's sort of a filler though. may end up posting ch7 tonight as well to make up for it


	7. betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ranmaru looks at the blank television screen. It reminds him of Reiji's black eyes. He never did think to ask questions when he agreed to all of this. He thought he was a nutcase.

This is awkward. Ranmaru doesn't know what to do, what to say. He's only spoken to his family on the phone for the past two years, and barely at all until recently. Not since it all fell through.

He almost flinches when his sister hugs him. She hasn't hugged him since he was a kid.

Ranmaru's conflicted. Does he hate these people? His mother and sister are strangers. He doesn't know them anymore. He never did. Juri's just some kid. Giuli is just some woman. The only one he could consider a friend is his father.

But a part of him wants to. He wants to have a family, people he knows and trusts. Sitting at the table, waiting on Toki (if that's really who it is) to show up, he remembers when he was younger. They all went their separate ways, but at dinner they were together.

Fuck this mushy shit. Ranmaru hates it. He hates this. He hates them. He has to remind himself of that.

Giulietta smiles at him, watching him pick at his fingernails. Unmannerly as always.

"What have you been up to?" she asks. There's no snobby tone in her voice. Is it really her?

"You know," Ranmaru mumbles. "Music. And stuff."

"I'm surprised you haven't a girlfriend," Giulietta admits, and he almost sighs.

"Just ain't found one," he lies. "Been busy."

She nods, and he knows she's clueless. Juri is the only one that knows. Maybe. It's hard to tell if she kept her mouth shut, or even if she still remembers.

Food arrives ahead of Toki, and Ranmaru digs in before anyone can tell him to wait. He's hungry. He hasn't ate since noon and it's nearly 20:00.

Halfway through his plate, the doorbell rings. He snickers when he realizes it's the same tone they had when he was a kid. How it's lasted over 10 years he isn't even sure. Magic? He's sure if he shared that with Reiji he'd tell him that's what it is. Thinking about demons... magic...

What has his life come to, really?

He looks up when his father walks a young man into the room, and introduces him. Toki. Gave him a generous loan. They must not know either. Even after all this time, the man's still a lying bastard. Somehow Ranmaru finds comfort in that.

Ranmaru knows that money isn't all they need. They need interest. His dad needs his shit together. Ranmaru peeked into his office when he used the bathroom earlier. Papers everywhere. He's sure his brain is the spitting image of that pigsty.

He shouldn't think that. His father is kind. He can't help it... but Ranmaru can't help it either. The resentment will never go away, no matter how nice they've all become. That's something Reiji can't fix.

 _The pain goes away with no soul_.

Ranmaru burps into his hand, and everyone looks at him. Giulietta looks horrified. Amusing that they don't remember how he eats.

His father clears his throat, and everyone turns their attention back to him and Toki. Ranmaru tunes it out, not really caring what Toki's lied to him about. He'll be talking to him privately anyways.

For the majority of dinner, he tunes them out. Ranmaru's sure they've asked him questions, but he isn't listening. Replaying _Don't Look Back_ in his head is much more entertaining than their shitty small talk.

He finishes and gets up to put his plate in the sink. This isn't his home anymore, but he may as well act like it is if they're going to invite him to dinner. Maybe this is why no one ever wants him over. If he knew anyone to invite him over anymore, at least.

Ranmaru walks into the living room, and flops onto the couch. He's sure they can carry a conversation without him. He would leave now, if it weren't for his interest in getting Toki alone.

And alone he gets him. Toki walks into the room not long after, sitting next to him. He can practically smell the assholery on him.

"I take it you're the one who sold his soul?" Toki seems unsurprised. Rude.

"Depends who's asking."

"Don't act tough with me, Ranmaru," he sneers. "I'm not a pansy like your buddy Reiji."

Ranmaru scowls. "He isn't my buddy. Asshole."

"I'll snap your neck. Behave."

"What am I to you? A fuckin' dog?"

"Close enough. I'm being kind enough to talk to you," he frowns. "I want to warn you about your new little pal."

"Warn me?"

"Reiji is naive. I assume he hasn't told you you're going to the pit, too, did he?"

"No. But it don't matter, 'cause I don't believe in that."

"Don't matter," Toki mimicks. "You will when you realize what it's like without a soul anyhow."

"Is it really bad?" _The pain goes away with no soul_.

"Living without one, maybe not. But the only ways for us to take them can be very painful. You know this, correct?"

"...No," Ranmaru admits. How would he? "He won't hurt me, 'cause you're right. He's a pansy."

Toki shakes his head. "You misunderstood me. He is young and fragile. He's been here once before."

"He has?" Ranmaru's not sure he buys everything this guy says. He doesn't buy everything Reiji says.

"Yes. Would you like to know why he went back?"

"Not really, but go ahead."

Toki chuckles. Ranmaru hates that noise. Pompous asshole. It sounds like a pompous asshole's laugh.

"He made a deal," Toki explains, though that little really isn't too helpful. "And when they found him, he ran."

"Found him?"

"I told you. It's not pleasant," he sighs. _He's_ annoyed. "I don't think you would like if I elaborated."

"Fine," Ranmaru crosses his arms. "So he's gonna beat me up. And?"

"You truly are a fool, aren't you?" Toki chuckles again. Disgusting. "He's uncontrollable. How do you think he's escaped?"

Ranmaru looks at the blank television screen. It reminds him of Reiji's black eyes. He never did think to ask questions when he agreed to all of this. He thought he was a nutcase.

"If you aren't bullshittin' me," he starts, slowly. "Will I die?"

"No sooner than planned, unless you kill yourself."

"Thanks for the encouragement."

"Of course," Toki grins. "I can smell the sadness on you... I pity you."

"'M not sad," Ranmaru grumbles. "Don't know what it is with you things."

Toki laughs. He thinks that's funny? Asshole.

He doesn't say anymore, rather walks back to the dining room and bids them farewell. Ranmaru can hear him thank them for having him.

Should he take him seriously? Was his warning, or whatever, right? Nothing sounds real anymore, so there's no use in dismissing it. A part of him wants both sides of the story. A part of him is angry at Reiji. Another part admires him. He's a real good actor. Potentially.

Ranmaru sits and pouts, and when no one else comes to sit with him he leaves. He doesn't bother saying anything, since they'll know he's gone anyways. There's no use. He'll just head home and look into things himself.

A very small part of him thinks maybe he should've said goodbye.


	8. conflict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiji runs his hand through Ranmaru's hair, pleased at how he squeezes his eyes shut. He wants to run. He always wants to run.

Reiji's at Ranmaru's doorstep the next evening. He hadn't shown up to the dock, and rather than leave him alone, Reiji desperately needed to see him.

As soon as the door opens, he can see how pissed he is. This can't be good.

Reiji catches the door before he slams it on him. The expression on his face makes his heart twist.

"Ranmaru? What's-"

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks. His hand is on the door, ready to try and push it shut. "About her?"

"Her?" Toki told Ranmaru, didn't he? Asshole.

"The girl you fucking killed. Why didn't you tell me you're gonna kill me?"

"I'm not going to kill you," Reiji frowns. "And I didn't kill her. I'm not a murderer."

There's no point in avoiding it. He says he's done no wrong, but does he really believe it?

"You think I'm dense, don't you?" Ranmaru crosses his arms.

"No!" Reiji insists. He pushes against the door enough to step into the foyer with Ranmaru. "I don't. I-"

"Why didn't you _fucking_ tell me then?"

Reiji hesitates. "I didn't want to scare you off..."

"Good fuckin' job."

"RanRan, please. I promise, I won't hurt you."

"Does it look like I care?" he growls. "You didn't fucking tell me I'm gonna go to the pit either. Maybe I don't wanna go to Hell. You ever think of that?"

Reiji's quiet. He didn't. He saw a sad man and yet still didn't think of anyone but himself and somehow, that hurts.

"Ranmaru, please listen to me."

Ranmaru stares at him, waiting. Reiji never felt so small before.

"Fucking talk, asshole." It's so bitter, how he speaks to him now. Reiji wishes this weren't happening.

"I've been topside before. That's true," Reiji admits. "She knew what I had to do, and said yes. But then she wanted out. There is no changing your mind."

"So you turned her into a science project?" Ranmaru's disgusted. His face says it all. So easy to read.

"Well... she struggled. I had no choice," Reiji sighs. Regret. He feels regret. "I can't help that she didn't make it."

He remembers, the crying and the begging and the way it didn't do anything. Watching the blood pour out of her cuts like it was fine entertainment. Seeing her go limp. Panicking. Running. His chest hurts.

Does he really deserve a soul?

"Not cutting her to pieces would ensure that pretty well, you fucking idiot," Ranmaru snaps him out of it, and Reiji frowns.

This hurts. Why does it hurt?

Why does this man have the right to make _him_ hurt?

"I had to!" He insists. "I had to fucking do it. I didn't want to go back. And I can't go back again."

Ranmaru's silent. Reiji can feel the anger beginning to marinate in his stomach. Some petty _asshole_ won't tell him _he's_ disgusting, will he?

"I can't go back to Hell!" Reiji pushes him. This feels better. Natural. Ranmaru's surprise makes him feel energetic. "And I _will_ hurt you, if you don't show me some goddamn respect," he shoves him again. The way his eye twitches makes him grin. "Don't forget what I am."

"Fucking coward. That's what you are," Ranmaru scowls, trying to shove him back but Reiji just laughs.

"And you're pathetic. Y'know, the man who whipped me every day pitied us less than you pity yourself."

Ranmaru's speechless. He can nearly see the anger oozing out of him. He's so mad, he's shaking, and Reiji feels better see his shoulders shake.

This is what he's meant to do.

Not sympathize. Not pity.

But it to a part of him, it still feels wrong.

"You want to know what you have coming to you?" he asks. He doesn't wait for an answer. "You're going to end your pathetic little life. And you'll see me again."

"You disgust me."

"Good," Reiji sneers. "I hope you're just as disgusted when you have to beat your own kind. When they have to beat you. You'll die over and over and over," — Reiji strokes his arm with his thumb for each one, enjoying the flinches — "until you can't feel a fucking thing anymore."

Reiji shoves him, and his back hits the wall. He can't run. They both know he won't let him. It feels good, to be in control like this. This is where he's meant to be.

"I'll send you back."

"I'll crawl back out."

"I'll- I'll kill you," Ranmaru slams his fist against Reiji's chest. It tickles. "I'll fucking kill you and you won't come back."

"Awe. You wouldn't kill me if you could," Reiji snickers. "I'm already dead, anyways."

Reiji's mind tells him no. He shouldn't hurt this man. He likes him. They're friends. Why is he doing this? Hiro is screaming at him. He aches. His body is barely strong enough to contain him, let alone demon's rage. He can't handle this, especially not if Ranmaru fights back hard enough.

Reiji grabs his shirt, pulls Ranmaru's face up to his.

"They'll break your mind before they break your body."

It's so difficult to stop.

He laughs when Ranmaru tries again to shove him off, but it's useless. He isn't sure whether he's ambitious or just a fool.

"You remember that precious little sister of yours?"

Ranmaru stares at him.

"You'll never look at her same after what they make you do to her," Reiji's mouth twitches, because he isn't sure whether he should frown or smile. The more he says, the more he remembers, and he doesn't know if he can keep going like this.

"Shut the fuck up, fucking whore!" Ranmaru spits on him. It's cute that he thinks that's going to do anything.

"I'm not the whore."

Ranmaru's silent. He looks away. He already knows.

"Pawning yourself off to men like a toy. Just 'cause you're sad. No standards."

"Shut the _fuck_ up!" Ranmaru's shoving and hitting so hard he almost budges. His arms are shaking, though. He's breaking down. Perfect.

"But you're so pretty," Reiji strokes his cheek, and Ranmaru flinches. "You're good too. You'd pay that debt if you charged."

"Fuck you," he's done trying. His arms are limp at his sides. He's tried. "Screw off."

"C'mon, honey. Don't be like that."

"Don't call me that, black eyed bitch."

Reiji grits his teeth. Ranmaru sounds so much like _him_. He has to focus on not remembering this. Not now.

"I never took you for a racist," Reiji chuckles. "We both know I'm right. But you're just too fucking stubborn to say it."

He runs his hand through Ranmaru's hair, pleased at how he squeezes his eyes shut. He wants to run. He always wants to run. Such a coward. Reiji pulls his hair, making him look at him.

"I'm going to leave. But I'll come back," Reiji smiles. "No one ever comes back to you, do they? Poor little Ranmaru. All alone."

"Fuck you. Leave," Ranmaru's voice is so hoarse from yelling, that he sounds pathetically weak.

Reiji slams his head against the wall, and Ranmaru cries out in pain. The desperate noise triggers something, and Reiji's mind snaps back on.

Why is he doing this?

Why is he hurting him? This innocent man?

What has he become?

He doesn't want this. Reiji doesn't either. He wants to apologize for being slightly brash, and yet he goes and does this to him? He lets go of his hair, resting his hand on his cheek.

"I... Ranmaru, I'm so sorry," the gentle tone returns. Now he's the one breaking. He doesn't like this.

"No you aren't. Fuck off me."

This is too familiar.

"I _am_ sorry," Reiji's face feels hot. What is this?

Is he crying?

"I'm so sorry, baby."

"I'm not your fucking baby," Ranmaru spits. "You fuckin' cryin'? You that fucking weak?"

He is. Ranmaru's right. He's always right, Reiji's starting to learn.

"Ranmaru, please. I am sorry."

"If you were sorry," he moves his face, and Reiji's hand falls, "you wouldn't have come here."

"I... I don't know what's gotten into me," Reiji feels hot tears roll down his face. He knows what's in him. So why is he sad?

Why's he gone and done this to someone else?

Ranmaru's quiet, just staring. He hates his stare. It's full of hurt and pain and anger and everything unpleasant that Reiji's made him feel.

He doesn't want him mad. He doesn't want to make him feel this way.

He's his friend. Isn't he?

Reiji can't stop. He sobs, repeating it. _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please, please, please_. He hugs him tightly, and Ranmaru's frozen, standing there useless as he bawls his eyes out onto his chest.

It feels like years before a hand finally lays on his back. He flinches, sobbing louder. He's waiting for it, for the rebuttal. Ranmaru could beat him all he wants and he wouldn't fight back. He deserves it.

But it never comes. He hears a strangled noise come out of Ranmaru, before he hugs him back. It's crushing and he feels like he can barely breathe, but he knows this is what he wants. Reiji's almost shocked when he feels his hair become wet, undoubtedly with tears.

Reiji feels as though he can't stop sobbing. He doesn't like this. He hates crying. All he's known is feeling angry and sad and empty for so long. He can only guess that this is what comfort should be like. He almost chokes himself when Ranmaru's hand cradles his head, holding him closer.

Humans are so confusing. Reiji feels lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one hurt to write. then i reread it and hated it and rewrote most of it like 3 times lmfao.


	9. regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ranmaru would rather be hurt and afraid than empty. And so he decides he won't say he hates him just yet.

"Why do we come to this?" Reiji asks.

Ranmaru doesn't answer, staring at the wall. Reiji was right. He is a whore. Pawning himself off to Reiji, just because he's sad.

"Ranmaru?" he asks again, nudging his shoulder. It's so gentle, it hurts. "Please talk to me."

He grumbles something, closing his eyes. Reiji's chest is cold and sweaty, but it's soft and comforting. He can't be bothered to respond.

Reiji's fingers card through Ranmaru's hair, and he chokes. He can feel the tears start running down his face and soaking his chest. He's never cried so much before. He feels weak. He wants to hide. He doesn't want to show this part of himself to anyone. Certainly not Reiji.

Reiji moves, until he's hugging Ranmaru. It's awkward and frankly he isn't sure if he wants it. But he lets Reiji hold him, petting his hair and rubbing his back until the crying stops. His head aches, from hitting the wall. From bawling. From being pissed.

Reiji was right.

He's right about everything.

Yet he apologized for the truth. So genuinely. Ranmaru's heart hurts. Does he hate him? Does he like him? He doesn't know.

Nobody's filled the emptiness like Reiji has.

Nobody's given him company like Reiji has.

Nobody's apologized to him like Reiji has.

Ranmaru would rather be hurt and afraid than empty. And so he decides he won't say he hates him just yet.

* * *

It's late when Ranmaru's eyes blink open. Reiji's gone. Somehow it stings.

He does the usual routine, but leans on the sink and stares at himself in the mirror before he gets dressed.

Bite marks trail across his shoulders. The bruises are stark against his pale skin, and he sighs. His hips are sore, and he feels like going back to bed. Why _did_ they come to this?

He knows why. The same reason he drinks like there's no tomorrow. The same reason he goes to clubs. The same reason he tries to have a good time only to come back and be reminded of his shitty house and his shitty life and his shitty feelings.

He shakes his head, slaps the sink. He feels the sting go up his arm. It feels so good to hit things. To let it out. That's why he does what he does.

Ranmaru finally manages to pull his shit together and drags his feet to the kitchen. Reiji's there, at his stove. Cooking.

"Hey," is all he manages. Reiji looks over at him and smiles.

Why's he smiling at him? Doesn't he hate him?

"Hey," Reiji looks him over and his smile falters. "You don't look so hot."

"Heh," Ranmaru opens the fridge and grabs a beer. "Don't feel so hot."

"Get me one," he says, and he seems to want to add something else, but doesn't.

Ranmaru gets another and sets them at the table. Maybe if he's nice enough to his... family, they'll give him some money. Spoil him again. He misses being spoiled. As a kid, it didn't mean much, it felt like buying his love. He wishes they'd do it now. He could use a better table.

"What're you makin'?" Ranmaru doesn't realize how hungry he is until he smells food.

"Well, you don't have a lot," Reiji admits, and the other frowns. He isn't wrong. "But the plan was pancakes."

"Was?"

"I'm done now," he chuckles.

Ranmaru sits back and waits for him to put it on plates, his stomach growling. If nothing else, food will make him feel much better.

And it does. Eating with Reiji is familiar. Comforting.

"These ain' bad," he says through a mouthful, and Reiji laughs.

"I'm glad you think so," he smiles. "I think I'm getting better at cooking."

Ranmaru takes a drink. "I'm rubbin' off on ya."

Reiji chuckles again. This is nice. Ranmaru likes pretending that the bad things don't happen. He prefers to forget, yet...

"Reiji," Ranmaru decides it isn't time to forget just yet. "When will you do it?"

"Hm?"

He makes that noise a lot, Ranmaru notices.

"Take it. My soul, or whatever."

"Oh..." Reiji looks down at his food. "It doesn't feel right yet. I'll tell you."

Ranmaru nods. "I'll be waiting."

Reiji seems surprised. _The pain goes away when you have no soul_.

"Why do you hang around me?"

"I..." Reiji tenses up. "I don't... know."

"Be honest," Ranmaru warns.

"I am. I don't understand it," he frowns. "I can't tell you if I don't know myself."

"Good enough," he shrugs, finishing his pancakes. "You wanna hear another song?"

Reiji perks up, nodding. "Will it be Hell themed too?"

Ranmaru snorts. He shakes his head. Reiji is so dumb. He likes that.

"No. Unless you want."

"Not exactly. Do you know anything... happy?"

"Dunno. Rock 'n' roll ain't real happy."

"Why do you like it, then?" Reiji asks, and Ranmaru feels odd. No one's ever asked him that without it being meant as an insult.

"It's real. Not a load of bullshit like most music," he talks slowly, because he's not sure how to explain it. "It's home."

"Home?"

"Home doesn't have to be a place," Ranmaru says. God, has he learned that lesson.

"Oh. Isn't home where you live?"

"That's just a house."

"I see," Reiji nods. "If that's true, I don't think I have a home."

"Heh. Know how that is," Ranmaru gets up to throw their plates away when he's done.

"I'm sorry, RanRan." Ranmaru raises an eyebrow at him. "You deserve a home," he elaborates.

Ranmaru turns away. He wants to hide the small smile on his face. Reiji's tugging on his heart strings now. No one's ever told him that. It feels nice, to be told he deserves something other than to ' _eat shit_ '. To quote an old friend.

* * *

"Have you ever played for anyone else?" Reiji asks.

Ranmaru strums at his bass mindlessly, shrugging. "Been in a couple bands. I play at the bar when they'll let me."

Reiji nods. "You're really good. I don't remember much about music, but I know you're good at it."

"Thanks," Ranmaru chuckles. "I guess you've never sang then?"

"Hm... no."

"You wanna?"

"But I don't know the words to any of your songs," Reiji tilts his head.

"Learn 'em, dumbass," Ranmaru flicks his forehead, chuckling again when he whines. "If you want to learn, I'll teach you."

Why is he offering this? Why is he just giving him more reason to stick around? He isn't sure. Maybe he just wants to put all these useless skills to use. Teaching a demon to sing would be something to put on his resume. If he ever landed a job, at least.


	10. ignorance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiji watches him look at the bread. It's funny, because he already looks like he wants to leave quite a bit. Maybe this is why he has so little in his house.

Reiji's not sure how to feel about this situation. It didn't feel so odd when they simply slept together and he left. Spending so much time at his place, not going back to his own house (home? Ranmaru told him it wasn't a home...) felt strange. They hadn't even done anything. Just slept. Or, the other had.

And Reiji felt strange the whole night.

Was that the feeling Ranmaru got from his music? He isn't sure. He doesn't remember what having a home really feels like. But Ranmaru felt warm.

It's strange how much warmth comforts him. After their fight, he's only been able to think about what it was like. Hell was hot. Blistering. Why does he find comfort in warmth? Shouldn't he like the cold? Or is it even comfort that he's feeling?

"Hey. Answer me," Ranmaru's voice distracts him. "You gonna come with me or not?"

He must've said something to him. Reiji feels bad that he wasn't listening. "Where are you going?"

"Told you," he sighs. "If you wanna mooch off me you might as well do it."

"Huh?"

"What're ya? Deaf? I'm going to the store. Do you want to come?" he repeats himself so slowly, it makes Reiji feel dumb.

"Oh," Reiji nods and gets up. "I guess I can come with."

"You're miserable," Ranmaru grumbles.

Reiji follows him as he walks out the door. He seems to have been ready to leave for quite some time. He doesn't even recall them having breakfast yet.

"You don't have a car?" Reiji asks, when he notices they seem to be walking.

"No. Can't drive."

"Oh," he finds that odd. Ranmaru is far past old enough to drive. "How far is it?"

"I'm buyin' you things, Reiji. Don't complain to me."

Reiji looks down. He's right. He's treated him poorly, imposed on him for two days, yet he shows him kindness anyhow and _Reiji_ complains. He isn't any less selfish than a human.

"Sorry, RanRan," he reaches for his hand, and it makes him feel better when Ranmaru lets him hold it. "I should be thanking you."

"Damn right."

He can tell the nickname annoys him. He _knows_ it does. Reiji smiles, and squeezes his hand. Ranmaru grunts, but doesn't tell him to let go and he takes that as a good sign.

* * *

Reiji hasn't been in a large department store before. That he can remember, at least. It's very large but the lights aren't close enough together. Parts are dimly lit, and the set up makes his eyes hurt.

Ranmaru leads him to the food, having dropped his hand. It makes him a little disappointed, but his hand was getting clammy anyways.

"You never did tell me what you like to eat," he turns to him.

"I told you that I don't know."

"You wanna eat eggs for..." Ranmaru pauses. He looks unsure of what to say. "For forever?"

"I won't be here that long," Reiji tilts his head when he sees hurt cross his face, before annoyance takes over.

"It's a metaphor, moron."

"Oh. You make good eggs. I wouldn't mind."

Ranmaru rolls his eyes, and walks down the aisle. Reiji knows he should probably stop getting on his nerves, but then again, what could he do? He's just a man. Reiji's seen him mad. He isn't threatening. He's more like a beaten puppy.

Reiji watches him look at the bread. It's funny, because he already looks like he wants to leave quite a bit. Maybe this is why he has so little in his house.

He stays close to him, but can tell it makes him nervous. Part of Reiji thinks it's funny, but a part is hurt by it.

"Ranmaru?"

"What?" he looks up at him, and for a second he can see his face soften up.

"I think I like pancakes."

Ranmaru starts to smile, but catches himself. "Finally," he grabs a loaf and stands up. "Go get 'em."

"Huh?"

"I got other shit to get. Go get 'em yourself."

"Oh," Reiji wants to tell him he has no clue where to go, but it's useless to. He'll just tell him to look.

Ranmaru must be satisfied with that, because he simply walks off to another aisle and leaves Reiji alone. He didn't even hint at where to go. Rude. At least there's signs.

Reiji finds them eventually, among the frozen food. He's glad he picked something familiar, because all the options are daunting. He understands why Ranmaru doesn't appear to enjoy this place.

Now he's got to find him again. Why couldn't he just come with him? This is redundant. He'll waste more time than they'll save, won't he?

After searching through the aisles, he finally finds his friend (is he his friend, still?) looking at the clothes. How inconsiderate. How would Reiji know he'd be here, if he hadn't happened upon him?

"I found them," he puts them in the basket Ranmaru's picked up. The other jumps, sighing grumpily.

"Will you stop sneakin' up on me?" he frowns.

"But I'm not..."

"I can't even hear you coming. That's sneaking."

"What, should I starting stomping like you do?"

"I don't stomp."

"Yes, you do," Reiji insists. "Your feet are very heavy."

Ranmaru looks confused for a second, before he returns his attention to a shirt.

"I think that'd look nice on you," Reiji says.

He's never seen someone so deep in thought over clothing. Is it that big of a deal to people? He's always thrown on whatever he thinks is appropriate, which is usually the first thing he sees in Hiro's closet.

"Yeah?" Ranmaru holds it up to his torso. "Kinda long..."

Reiji takes it, inspects it. "I think you just have long legs. It looks normal to me."

"I uh, guess that's true," Ranmaru takes it back and dumps it in the basket. He must like it anyways. "What size do you wear?"

"I don't know," Reiji admits. He's never quite paid attention to it.

"I only ask 'cause you're tiny."

Reiji frowns. "I'm not tiny."

Ranmaru ruffles his hair, and he frowns even more. "Yeah, you kinda are. You're like a little kid."

"That's mean," Reiji whines, batting his hand away. "You're just tall."

Ranmaru chuckles. "You plan on, um... stayin' very long?"

"With you?"

"Just here."

"I don't know," Reiji thinks. Does he? He would like to. He quite likes it in this town, from what he's seen of it.

"If you're gonna, you should know your size. You'll want new clothes at some point."

Reiji shrugs, and follows him while he looks through the racks. He's never thought to look at the tags on Hiro's clothes — he just knows they fit if they're in his closet. Thinking of clothes, he realizes he hasn't changed... he's always thought it's weird how humans change their clothes so often. It seems wasteful.

"Can you look at the tag on my shirt?" Reiji asks. It's the easiest way to find out.

"You want me to look down your shirt?" Ranmaru raises his eyebrows, clearly enjoying how it annoys him.

Reiji frowns. "I can't do it myself, you ass."

Ranmaru chuckles, and pulls him over by his sleeve.

"Medium," he reads. "You are tiny."

"Stop saying that," Reiji flicks his arm and he laughs.

"Haven't been a medium since I was a boy. Tiny, tiny man."

He whines again, and Ranmaru laughs so much he snorts. A small creeps up his face. Ranmaru is handsome when he's happy like this. It's a little contagious.

"Are you gonna keep breathin' down my neck, or are you gonna get something?" he asks after a while.

He is rather close. Reiji looks around, feeling overwhelmed. This place _is_ large.

"I don't know where to look. And I haven't got my money."

Ranmaru shrugs. "If you find something I'll buy it," he offers, adding quickly, "I guess."

Reiji smiles a little. "Awe. What's gotten into you?" he teases, and laughs when Ranmaru shoves his shoulder.

"Begone," he points to where the smaller clothes are, and Reiji heads over, chuckling.

He didn't notice before, but Ranmaru must wear something fairly large. Reiji supposes that makes sense, because he's rather buff. He tries not to think of him shirtless, but it's difficult. He's a very, very attractive man. That's for sure.

Reiji browses through the shirts, but doesn't find much. He isn't sure what his taste really is. Hiro seems to like dull clothes. Most of his closet is brown and green. He thinks he likes those colors too.

He holds one up, and decides it's nice. It's just a simple green, but it's not too puke-colored or too bright. A happy medium.

"Looks snug," Ranmaru comments. He's so distracted he didn't even notice him come up.

"Hm. I don't know."

"Try it on. I'm not buyin' things that don't fit."

Reiji shrugs. It's easier to just do what he wants him to. He's sure they won't come back soon, especially not for just one shirt, so he might as well.

He closes the door behind him when he walks into the dressing room, starting to shrug off all his layers. This store is freezing cold, even worse than it is outside. Reiji doesn't know how humans can bare it being 28°.

He puts it on over his wife beater, and finds the other was right. It does fit snug, but he thinks it's flattering. Hiro is attractive, but in a different way from Ranmaru. He considers showing him, but realizes how dumb that is. Ranmaru isn't his mother. He doesn't have to ask him what he thinks of his clothes.

Reiji tugs it off when he's happy with how much he's gawked at himself, and reaches to get his shirt from between his knees, promptly smacking himself in the crotch instead.

 _Ow_. It makes his eyes water. Why did he have to do it so hard, too? He lets a _"shit"_ slip, making a face. Human bodies are so weak.

When he finally gets his shit together again, he gets redressed and comes out to a concerned looking Ranmaru.

"Are you crying?" he asks.

"I, um... I hit myself," Reiji looks down, adding quietly, "in the groin."

Ranmaru stares for a second, before laughing so hard he wheezes. Reiji frowns. Is his pain that funny to him? He has to sit down, and Reiji feels worse.

"Is it really that funny?"

"It's fuckin' hilarious," Ranmaru snorts. He isn't sure whether to think this is mean or cute.

"I'm glad you think my pain is funny," he grumbles, and it only makes him laugh harder.

"It is," Ranmaru breathes in heavily, trying to calm himself down. "You owe me one. I'm allowed to laugh at you hittin'," — he cracks up again — "hittin' yourself in the nuts. Oh god!"

Reiji crosses his arms, scowling. Ranmaru's mean. It still hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to my buddy who gave me the idea for part of this chapter basically wuv u man (i already wanted them to go shopping so it worked)
> 
> might as well give yall a break w some inserted crack lmfao sorry i keep dragging these out too?? this feels. long.


	11. recklessness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he pads down the hall, he notices the weird ass paintings on the wall. They make his stomach feel queasy.

Ranmaru's not surprised to find Reiji waiting at the end of the dock. He's notices he doesn't have a beer tonight, which he finds unusual, but whatever. Not everyone drinks every day.

"Hey," Reiji greets when he sits down.

He's wearing the shirt he bought him, and he can't help eyeing the way it hugs his sides. His stomach curves so gently, and the shirt is snug in just the right way to make it look cute. _Get your mind out of the gutter, Ranmaru_.

"No jacket today?" he asks.

Reiji shakes his head. "I think I should get used to your temperatures."

"Aren't you cold?" Ranmaru sounds concerned. _Quit caring so much_.

"Yeah. Very," he admits. "But you don't get results by not trying."

Ranmaru grunts. That's oddly deep. What's with this guy and all his philosophy sounding bullshit?

Reiji scoots closer, very slowly, but Ranmaru notices. He's barely an inch away when he stops, and leans into his side.

"You're warm," he mumbles.

Ranmaru's unsure what to do. Should he... hug him? Does he want to? He's still, trying to decide. Finally, he slings his arm around his shoulders, and feels Reiji relax.

"You're dumb. You shoulda put on a coat," he chides. Maybe if he's mean, it'll balance out being touchy-feely with him.

Reiji huffs, crossing his arms. Ranmaru chuckles at him, and ruffles his hair to earn another huff.

"So mean," he grumbles.

"Get used to it, shortstack."

"I'm not short!" Reiji whines, and shoves his leg.

"Totally are. Super short. A midget," he pulls him closer, messing with his hair even more.

Reiji makes a noise, batting at his hand playfully. He's not very good at controlling his strength, because damn does it hurt after a swat or two. They settle down, staying close, and Ranmaru sighs. He feels calm. Reiji's been... kind, since his outburst. He's trying so hard not to think of it, but he can't help the feeling in his stomach that tells him he should be careful. If shit happens once, it'll happen twice.

Then again, Ranmaru wouldn't be himself if he were careful.

"Ranmaru?"

"Yeah?" he looks at Reiji, and almost backs away when he comes nose to nose with him.

"I think I may... I may want something more," Reiji talks slowly, like he doesn't know what to say.

"More?"

"I think I want a relationship with you."

Ranmaru looks away, clearing his throat. He didn't expect that, really. Does he feel like that towards Reiji? He is nice to him. He isn't this nice to anyone else. But Reiji's hurt him. He's effectively called him a slut. A coward. It was only once, but does he want to let someone do that to him? Even if he did apologize, he did it. Ranmaru isn't a forgiving man.

"That's fine."

What is he saying? Why is he talking and not _fucking_ thinking?

Reiji's wide smile tugs at his heart. He's kind to him. He tolerates his coldness. He treats him like he deserves things. He confuses him to no end.

He lets him turn his head, kisses back when he kisses him. His lips are soft, and he tastes like shitty beer. It's familiar, but now that they're... apparently together, it seems different. He sits his bottle down to pull Reiji closer. Why is he doing this?

Why did he want this so badly?

Reiji's told him he's confusing, but he confuses himself too.

"We should go back to my place," Reiji mumbles, barely letting him respond before he kisses him again. Ranmaru can only manage a nod.

* * *

Ranmaru didn't have time to look earlier, but when he gets up to use the bathroom he notices how spacious this place really is. He feels a pang of jealously for how nice it is. Air conditioning. Nice, plush carpet. His house is all hardwood and always muggy this time of year.

He frowns. Maybe he should die and possess some rich bastard.

As he pads down the hall to where Reiji had said it was, he notices the weird ass paintings on the wall. They make his stomach feel queasy. Lots of animals. Lots of brutal imagery. It's easy enough to put two and two together. Make that a rich, Satanist bastard.

He looks at himself in the mirror when he finishes, sighing. Here he is again. Significantly different surroundings, same outcome. Hickeys pepper his collarbones and pecs, and he runs his fingertips over them. It's sore. He's not sure why, but he likes them. They're a reminder.

He shuffles back to bed, flopping down. Reiji smiles a little, ruffling his hair.

"All better?" he teases.

"Mm... yeah. I'm tired," Ranmaru mumbles.

He feels relaxed. Nothing puts him in a good mood like a good fuck, and he'll be damned if Reiji isn't good at that.

Reiji tugs on his arm, and he scoots over, laying his head on his shoulder. It's so peaceful to be held. He hasn't been held this much in a long, long time. Reiji offers himself and his comfort so readily, and Ranmaru's given in so easily to it.

He decides he doesn't push him away like he should because truthfully, he doesn't want to.

It's been years.

Ranmaru wants to be loved.

He needs it.

To be held.

To be adored.

And if Reiji can give him that, maybe he isn't so bad after all.

Reiji's fingers trace the muscles in his back, dancing over his shoulder in a way that makes him squirm. He chuckles and Ranmaru grunts, tightening his grip around him.

"Are you ticklish, baby?" he teases. Ranmaru groans, burying his face into his shoulder.

He wants to be mad, but he can't. It makes him feel warm to be called pet names.

Reiji tickles his shoulders again, and he makes a noise that's somewhere between a laugh and a grunt.

"Quit it, you ass," he groans, rolling over and trapping Reiji's arm underneath him. The other laughs, wiggling it from under him.

"You're so cute," Reiji cuddles up to his side, and his hands go back to bothering him, this time his stomach. Ranmaru laughs again, swatting at him.

"And you're dumb. Quuiiit."

Reiji chuckles, but does what he wants and drapes his arm over his waist instead. He hums when Ranmaru pets his hair, mumbling into his chest, "I like that..."

Ranmaru smiles faintly. Reiji's like a cat. He hisses, but in the end he still loves you. Right? He's not conscious enough to think about it very hard.

"Reiji?" he asks.

"Mm?" The other looks up at him. Ranmaru decides he loves his eyes. Soft, and kind, and chocolate-y. An odd choice for someone supposed to be evil.

"What... what makes me different?"

"Different?" Reiji scoots up, propping his head up with his hand.

"From everyone else," he says. They both know he means the woman.

Reiji seems to think about it, drawing patterns on his chest with his fingertips. "Well... you just... you are. I can't explain you. And I think that's why I like you."

"Can't explain me, huh?" Ranmaru chuckles. "I can't explain me either."

He smiles, and kisses Ranmaru's cheek. "You're an interesting man," he mumbles, settling back into his side. "I like that."

"Not sure I'd call myself interesting," he admits. The other goes quiet, and Ranmaru resumes playing with Reiji's hair until he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this feels rushed im sowwy


	12. weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He almost believes it, cries out when he slams his head against the cold metal. "Cat got your tongue?"

Ranmaru had left when he woke up, so Reiji had managed to entertain himself until he felt it was a decent time to head to the dock.

It's so lonely, without him. And it only gets worse. Reiji doesn't like that. He shouldn't... shouldn't stay with him, all this time. Yet he can't bring himself to leave.

He's attached.

Reiji turns around when he hears footsteps thud down the dock towards him, smiling up at Ranmaru.

Ranmaru nods, and sits down with him. It's quiet.

"So, y'know a shitton about me, huh?" Ranmaru asks, when he finally decides what to say.

"I know a bit," Reiji admits. "Why?"

"It's not super fair that I don't know much about you," he points out.

"To be honest, I don't really know very much about myself."

He looks down at the water. It's a lie. He knows what Ranmaru's truly asking, and he knows the answer to it.

"C'mon. You know somethin'," he eggs, pushing his knee.

Reiji goes silent again, and Ranmaru seems to be disappointed. He doesn't bother him any more though, settling for the uncomfortable feeling that rests between them now.

The noise of the crickets and water are all that he can hear, and it feels overwhelming with just that much. He remembers. He knows why he chose to be _here_. By the water. In Hiro's meat.

He owes Ranmaru an explanation. He knows he does. He owes him that and a lot more.

"Fine," Reiji begins quietly. "I killed myself."

Ranmaru seems to perk up, looking over at him. The feeling of his eyes on him is almost too much. Why does he feel scared?

"You drowned yourself?"

"Yes," Reiji sighs. Takes a drink. He's glad he brought beer tonight.

"Alright. Why?" he's asking so innocently, but thinking about it has began to hurt.

"I... I, uh, had a friend," Reiji feels unsure. Should he tell him the truth? "And... I didn't want to be alive without him."

Ranmaru makes a sympathetic noise, and he knows this is probably the most comfort he'll get from him.

"It was my birthday," Reiji kicks at the water, chuckling. "Pretty damn good gift."

When the other looks away, he nearly lets out a sigh of relief. "That sucks."

"Sure does."

"How old were you?"

"I was turning 33," Reiji smiles sadly. "I can still remember... the look on his face. When I found him."

Ranmaru's quiet now, just letting him talk. He must be unsure what to say. Most people would be, Reiji guesses.

"I think that's when I finally started to break."

"Finally?" Ranmaru asks.

He might as well go all in now. He's already told him this much. "Dad left when I was a boy. Wasn't a happy kid," he chuckles.

"Probably not."

"And just when I think everything's better..." Reiji trails off, and then snaps. "Mom gets sick. Buddy dies. And I'm the one to blame for all of it."

"You couldn't help that shit," Ranmaru frowns, but they both know he's leaving off the ' _could you?_ '.

"It was my fault some way or another." Reiji pulls his feet up to sit cross-legged. It's awkward, because his feet are sopping wet from the water.

"If that was your fault, it's my fault we went broke," he says. "Wasn't your fault, kid."

"It was," Reiji fiddles with his fingers. "I could've stopped it but I was too stupid to."

His words. These were _his_ words, not Reiji's. It scares him how alike he is to him.

"Reiji. It wasn't."

Reiji feels his eyes change, closing them. He hates that. He can't think of this without this happening.

"I had no one left and I got into Satanism," he continues like he can't hear Ranmaru's repetitions. "And-"

"Still ain't your fault."

"But it is," he scowls at the water, flicks it up with the end of his beer. "I couldn't even fucking kill myself right, I was that stupid."

"Reiji-"

He looks at him, and Ranmaru trails off. He's concerned. Reiji takes a breath, trying to calm himself down, but the more he talks, the more he remembers of it. Ranmaru wants to hear this. So he will.

"I tried to..." he stares back at the water. His wrists ache thinking about it. "But I was still there. So I followed him."

"You had a family."

"I did."

"You left them just 'cause you were sad?"

Reiji scowls, resisting the urge in his chest to push him. Shouldn't he understand? _Doesn't_ he understand?

"I was better off dead."

"Then why come back?" Ranmaru asks.

He has a point. Why did he come back? He deserved to be in Hell for all the shit he caused. He still does. Why can he never accept what he deserves?

"I... I don't know."

He does know. He's weak. He's broke. If he didn't get out, he wouldn't have... he wouldn't have any of his humanity left. Does he have any, anyways? What is he, if not human?

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," he mumbles, bringing his legs up to his chest.

"Is there more, Reiji?" Ranmaru pushes. He won't stop pushing.

"Please. I don't want to talk."

"No. Talk."

Reiji buries his face in his knees, sighing. It's comforting to curl up to himself like this. Or, it usually is. Nothing quite helps when he has to think about his life. In the end, he knows why he likes Ranmaru.

He knows why he runs.

He knows his pain.

He sees himself in this man.

He knew how easy it would be to break him.

And the part of him that wants to help only grows.

"You'd be surprised how easy it is to change a man," he feels choked. "Humans will do so much when you've worn them down enough."

"Reiji..." he feels a hand settle on his back, and he wants to lean into him.

"It wasn't a demon. It was... it was him," he feels tears begin to run down his face, his voice cracking. "Ai... Aine. My AiAi..."

Ranmaru pulls him to his side, and Reiji curls into him. He can feel him hesitate, before his hand holds Reiji's head to his chest.

Reiji sobs, unable to hold it in any longer. He can see it, replaying in his mind's eye. That night. Everything after. He clings to Ranmaru, completely aware his grip is too tight. It doesn't matter.

"It's alright," Ranmaru mumbles, stroking his hair. "Stop crying."

"I can't," his shoulders shake, hard. "I can't stop. I can't forget it. It... it was him. He..." Reiji nearly chokes, coughing.

"You're gonna get sick, baby, stop," he shushes him, but Reiji can't quit.

He can't. He can't do anything. He never could stop anything.

Everything is too fast.

Everything changes, and he can't stop it. It's always been that way.

Reiji feels useless. Tired. Weak.

Sobs rack his body, until Ranmaru's grip is as tight as it can get to try and stop his shaking. Reiji's words come out garbled and stammered, and he can barely understand himself anymore. He's never felt this broken. He hasn't cried this hard since he was human.

Aine was his tormentor.

Day in and day out, that sweet, angelic face laughed at him.

And he knows that he's waiting for him.

Aine was waiting for Reiji his whole life, and he was too stupid to see it until now.

Reiji coughs again, wheezes. Pathetic. It's pathetic. He can feel his hands around his throat, sees his smile when he squeezes his eyes shut. Ranmaru's forgotten, and all there is is cold.

* * *

Heat.

Pain.

It's all he can feel.

Leather cuts into his wrists, and he's sure they're bleeding already. The scars haven't had time to heal since the day before. Day? Week? He's lost track.

He's there. Reiji can sense him.

His fingers are cold. His breath is cold on his cheek. Somehow, everything is cold, too.

He's pulling on his shirt, torn and covered in stains and drying blood. He squeezes his eyes shut, twists his head, but Aine grabs his face and makes him look.

His eyes used to be so kind. So gentle.

Now they're lifeless. Full of hate.

Aine hates Reiji.

Reiji wants to look away, to tear himself away and curl up and cry and shake and _be alone_ , but he can't. Aine laughs.

"What's wrong, honey?" Aine's voice is soft and smooth. He almost believes it, cries out when he slams his head against the cold metal. "Cat got your tongue?"

"AiAi..."

He grabs his hair and slams his head again. It's barely started and Reiji's began to cry already. Everything aches. It's ached since the first second.

"Don't call me that. You know I don't like it," he frowns, getting close. They're almost nose to nose, and Reiji wishes he'd go away. This is worse than being alone.

It's worse than living without him.

Aine's hand trails down, resting on his neck. Cold fingertips press into the already bruised skin, and Reiji tries to struggle. It only makes it worse, and he feels him squeeze harder.

He smiles. Even now, Aine's smile is perfect.

Even now, all he can feel for his friend is love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u couldnt tell i am poopoo writing violence


	13. cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiji hits the ground with a thud, jolting awake. He looks panicked, and Ranmaru feels his heart ache.

Ranmaru sits on the sofa, Reiji's head in his lap. He managed to get him inside his house before he was too much to handle, but he was barely walking anyways.

He's not sure what happened. One second he was bawling his eyes out, the next he was barely there. It's a little tough to think about his weak crying as he got closer to passing out. For some reason, it was difficult to listen to.

He's tried what he can think of — a cold washcloth, slapping him, but nothing woke him up. It feels natural, to touch him like this, trying to comfort him in some stupid way. So, here Ranmaru sits, stroking his hair and hoping he'll be Reiji when he wakes up.

He did say the man he'd possessed was still in there. Ranmaru isn't exactly familiar with how hosting two parties in one noggin works, but it's a concern nonetheless.

He's almost asleep when Reiji finally moves his head, curling into Ranmaru. He has to smile. He really is like a cat.

"Reiji?" Ranmaru asks softly, and he's taken aback when he jerks away from him, nearly rolling off the couch. "Reiji, hey-"

Reiji hits the ground with a thud, jolting awake. He looks panicked, and Ranmaru feels his heart ache.

He made him like this. Reiji deserves it, and yet he feels bad about it nonetheless.

"Are you alright?" he holds out his hand, and Reiji sighs when he looks up at him.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm... fine," Reiji lets him pull him back up, curling into his side. He lets him, putting his arm around him.

Ranmaru frowns. "Sorry."

"Sorry?"

"I made you conk out."

Reiji shakes his head, and he winces. Did he really get hurt just falling off the couch? God, today's miserable.

"No, no, you didn't," he lays his head against his shoulder. "This body is just weak. I should be sorry."

Ranmaru decides not to push. He's learned his lesson about that. Instead he pets his hair when he leans into him, clearing his throat.

"It's fine. Just... rest, or whatever."

He feels Reiji smile against his shoulder.

* * *

He walks out of the convenience store, and right away he notices a familiar man watching him.

Oh good God, not him.

"Kurosaki," Toki ends all his hopes of quickly walking away with one damn word. "Don't you know smoking is bad for you?"

"Shut up, asshat," Ranmaru grumbles, clenching his fist around his bag when Toki follows after him.

"Charming," Toki snickers. "Have you and your little buddy made up yet?"

"What do you care?" he asks.

"Curiosity killed the cat."

Ranmaru can't help noticing he seems less bitchy today. Probably pleased with _his_ bad mood.

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"We made up. How do you know we ever fought?" Ranmaru asks, and Toki shrugs.

"I didn't know for sure 'til now," he admits.

Goddammit.

"Look," Toki pushes his arm, almost playfully. "I'm glad. Reiji needs a friend."

Ranmaru wants to laugh. Reiji needs a friend? Ranmaru may, but he doesn't. Besides, they aren't...

That's weird to think about.

It hadn't really set in yet, what he said yes to.

"You think so?" he asks. If he puts up with him, maybe he'll tell him something else that would've been useful a week ago.

Toki nods. "He's an odd one. Dependant."

"Nice to know."

"I take it you two are already close, aren't you?"

"No," Ranmaru lies, but he knows they are.

He's treated Reiji better than he's treated any of his friends for years. He feels it's right. He's like a lost kitten. It's so hard not to want to help and love him, even though a part of Ranmaru wants to stay away from him. Reiji has successfully invaded his life, and it's way too much effort to get him back out now.

"I see," Toki nods, crossing his arms. "Well, that's all I wanted. Unless you'd care to share a smoke with me?"

"Not a chance in Hell," he answers quickly.

Toki snickers, before heading off the other way. Ranmaru hates that he's given him something to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'nother short one. i may be putting this fic on a small hold since school starts soon and i want to let myself get settled in, but that's not for sure. depends how it goes
> 
> that being said i do have the next chapter written so i'll post it tmr regardless. just a warning for everything after that


	14. yearning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second Reiji died, he wanted nothing more than to live.

Reiji's trying to push it out of his mind, he really is. He'd been doing so well, not thinking about it, running from it, and yet it took so little to bring it back to him. He's grateful he's avoided any more episodes since, but it just reminds him of how weak he truly is.

Ranmaru went home days ago, when he figured Reiji could manage on his own. It was kind of him, but he didn't seem to know the half of how he felt. Even though he thinks they understand each other, they both keep proving him wrong.

Tonight has been bad. He hit himself on the ledge of the counter, and the sting sparked less than pleasant ideas. The only thing keeping Reiji from it was the fact that this wasn't his body to harm. For now.

Sometimes he thinks, maybe he'd like to live forever. But he can't decide if that would be better or worse. He just knows he can't stand to lose any more. To see _him_ ever again.

Finally he drags himself off the couch, and heads for Ranmaru's place. They hadn't met at the dock, but it was likely too late in the evening to catch him there.

The door is unlocked when he arrives, but Reiji pounds on it anyways. He hears him shambling around, before a groggy Ranmaru opens the door.

"Reiji?"

Reiji smiles a little. His hair is messy and curly, and his voice is rough.

"I wanted some company," Reiji admits, walking in when Ranmaru steps aside.

The television is on, and he assumes they're in the same boat. Unable to relax.

"I was goin' to bed," he comments, ruffling Reiji's hair. He smiles up at him. "How're you feelin'?"

"Better," he lies, earning a shrug as Ranmaru shuffles into his room. He isn't convinced or just can't be bothered to care either way.

Reiji's not sure whether to take his coat off or not. It's so chilly without it, but Ranmaru is warm, and he'll undoubtedly want to curl up together. He's so cuddly for seemingly not wanting to be touchy. Reiji considers it shyness, but it could be stubbornness, too. He isn't sure about much anymore.

He finally shrugs it off and lays it across the back of a dining chair. He's pleased to be met with a familiar hug when he gets in bed, and loud snoring not long after. Reiji combs his fingers through Ranmaru's unruly hair, feeling calm for the first time this entire day.

To be fair, he more than expected he'd feel better around Ranmaru.

* * *

"RanRan?" Reiji fiddles with his fingers nervously, as Ranmaru makes them breakfast.

"Yeah?"

"I want to ask for your help with something."

Ranmaru raises his eyebrows, coming to sit down with him. "'Sup?"

"I've been thinking. And I don't... I don't think I can take this," Reiji looks down. "I don't want to be... this thing."

"What're you on about?" Ranmaru kicks his foot gently.

"I want to be human again."

The words sit between them for what seems like hours before Ranmaru finally hears them. He knows what he thinks right away.

What does it mean for their deal?

And honestly, Reiji doesn't really know.

"Can you even... do that?"

"I don't know," Reiji chews his lip. There's always so much he doesn't know. He's simply useless. "But I've heard from others that it's possible."

"You mean Toki, I'm guessin'?" Ranmaru leans back, suddenly much less interested.

"No," Reiji pauses. "Well yes, but..."

Ranmaru sighs. "He ain't worth much."

"Maybe you don't like him, but he's done a lot for both of us," he frowns, even though he knows damn well what Toki's really done. "He's my brother. I trust him."

"Brother?"

"All... demons are my brothers. And sisters."

"Such a happy little family ya got," Ranmaru chuckles, going back to their food.

Reiji can't tell if there's any snark in it, but he ignores it regardless. "Will you help me?"

"I'm not really sure what I could do."

"Everything goes faster with two," he chuckles at the loud, sarcastic groan.

"What if it's some weird shit I'ont wanna do?" he asks.

"You wouldn't do it for _me_?" Reiji teases, but he's half serious.

This is important to him. Shouldn't his boyfriend want to help him? Boyfriend... that's still so strange to think about. He's unsure what he's gotten the two of them into.

Ranmaru sits their plates down. "I guess," he sighs dramatically, though it's put off but his little smile.

"So kind," he chuckles, biting off a piece of bacon. "But... would you? Really?"

"Yeah," Ranmaru answers after a minute. His face doesn't look so convinced. "'Long as I don't have to die."

Reiji wants to frown. That's a bit selfish, isn't it? But then again, most people value their lives more than he ever valued his own. More than he values theirs. Though, thinking on it, he doesn't want Ranmaru to die. In the end, Ranmaru doesn't owe him that much either.

"Thanks," he smiles, taking the grunt he gets in response as a _'you're welcome'_.

* * *

Reiji has to search, but eventually he sees Toki's blue hair through the crowd. Sometimes he wonders why he chose someone whose style was so different from his own, but at least it makes him easy to spot.

Toki looks happy to see him, shakes his hand firmly.

"I assume you need a favor," he chuckles, though he doesn't sound displeased about it.

"Yeah, actually," Reiji says sheepishly, feeling a little bad. He asks Toki for so much... "I was hoping you could help me out. Again."

"Depends."

Reiji takes his arm and leads him away from the bar, where there were people everywhere. This casino must be popular. The intense noise of so many people talking garbled by equally loud music puts him on edge.

"You've said before there's ways to... to purify us," Reiji speaks quietly, hoping he can hear. "Haven't you?"

"Well... yes. Unpleasant ways."

"Tell me."

Doubt hits Reiji the moment he says it.

Does he really want to be human if he can't handle what he's been feeling with what little he's mooched off of Hiro's soul? Does he really want to feel everything a man feels? Deep down, he knows he wants it more than anything. The second Reiji died, he wanted nothing more than to live.

And for once, the question of whether anyone ever went looking for him crosses his mind.

Toki snaps him from his thoughts. "Alright. But you owe me one."


	15. recklessness ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one has ever really said things like the first bit to Ranmaru. Hell, not even the second. People always want things. Always have bad news. But for some reason, he believes it when Reiji says it.

It's taken a while, but finally, Ranmaru feels he's back on his feet. The entire... Reiji situation threw him off his schedule, badly. He hasn't been to the gym for weeks, and now that he goes he realizes how tense and uncomfortable he's felt without his regular routine.

Ironically, he's always considered himself someone who hated boring lives. Yet here he is, taking comfort in the same routine he's had for years.

Maybe it's for that, that he's a little happy to see Reiji waiting on his couch when he comes back.

"Y'know if someone sees you breakin' in they'll call the cops," Ranmaru says, flopping down next to him. Reiji shrugs.

"I'll just bounce."

"That's not..." he shakes his head. Dumbass. "What're you doin' here, anyways?"

"I thought you'd be home," Reiji admits, turning to face him. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Went to the gym."

"You don't look it."

"It's called a shower, nincompoop."

Reiji whispers an _oh_ before he scoots over to curl up to Ranmaru's side. His cheek is cold against his bare shoulder, but he isn't surprised. Ranmaru's grown to like his personal little ice box. It's nice now, but once winter hits...

Well, will Reiji leave him before then?

Ranmaru bites his lip to distract himself. _Happy thoughts. You were having a good day, asshat_.

"What'd you wanna talk about?" He asks, figuring it's better the less he broods over shit.

"Just wanted to," Reiji gives him a little smile that melts his heart. "And I have... kinda good news."

No one has ever really said things like the first bit to Ranmaru. Hell, not even the second. People always want things. Always have bad news. But for some reason, he believes it when Reiji says it.

"Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when you say cute shit to me," he teases, smiling at the laugh it gets out of him. "Don't keep me on the edge of my seat."

He likes this. This is what he's been missing, ever since he decided everyone was out to get him. The affection, the comfort, the kindness. Even if it's short lived, it still happened.

Eugh. Enough of that. Reiji moves to sit in his lap, but he pushes on his chest when Ranmaru goes to kiss him.

"I talked to Toki," he starts, messing with the neck of Ranmaru's tank.

"And?"

"It's not easy any way, but there's something we could try," Reiji's little smile falls, and worry takes a seat. Ranmaru doesn't like that. That ain't good news.

"I'm dyin' to know."

"Well, he said that sometimes you can... push it out."

"Demon detox?" Ranmaru wants to laugh, but Reiji looks serious.

"If you get enough blood, it can turn you," he finally decides on a way to say it, chewing his lip. "But after all that time I don't know how much is enough."

Ranmaru shrugs. "I guess you'd know when you got it, wouldn't ya?"

He feels oddly optimistic today, doesn't he? Endorphins or something.

"I guess. But if you're the one, I don't want to hurt you."

"Not like I ain't given blood before."

Reiji chuckles. "Enough for a whole man?"

"You're a moron," Ranmaru flicks his forehead, and Reiji whines. "Just don't bleed me dry. How do you... take it, anyways?"

"He said syringe is my best bet," Reiji made a face. Apparently his worst bet wasn't that good either.

"Oh. So like drugs."

"You've...?"

"No," he wants to flick his forehead again. Moronic dumbass that he is. "Got enough problems."

"That's true."

"So, are we gonna do our little experiment?" Ranmaru wants to get it over with, even though he knows it'll take a while regardless. Reiji's nicer than knocking him out for his own good.

Hopefully.

Maybe not.

In the back of Ranmaru's mind, he knows Reiji isn't human. He doesn't really care. But it's easier to pretend like he is than it is to keep his guard up. Ranmaru has had enough of that.

He wants to let someone in again.

And that someone just happens to be possessing someone else.

Nothing abnormal about that.

Ranmaru's concentration is broken by Reiji flopping down on his chest.

"I don't know," he admits, snuggling his head into the crook of Ran's neck. "I'm nervous."

" _You're_ nervous?" Ranmaru ruffles his hair, snorting. "I'm the one loosing shit. Not you."

"I know, but what if it... doesn't work? Like it just..." Reiji pauses to think, finally comes up with the words. "Doesn't agree with me?"

"Then we go find your pal."

Reiji's quiet, and Ranmaru puts his arms around him. It's been a long time since he's had a boyfriend. The topic of conversation isn't exactly comforting, yet he feels content, for the first time in years, just to be... intimate with someone else. A part of him is still uneasy. Most of him is fighting to just make him accept it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it is now that i expose the fact im basically writing SPN fanfiction lmfaooo i promise im doin my own ideas it just... be like that right now. this is short bc it felt like enough to post but next chapter should hopefully be longer.
> 
> this took a while to write, super sorry, im very: overwhelmed by other things


	16. deception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiji has always had to admire his tormentor's sense of humor.

As soon as the needle pierces through his skin, Reiji's body feels like it's on fire. He's uncomfortable, in pain, a whole array of negative feelings washing over him. He can feel Ranmaru's blood fighting with his own, and it doesn't feel _right_. Something in Reiji's gut tells him this is bad.

Ranmaru's waiting expectantly, staring at Reiji, but he can't tell whether he's concerned or just impatient. He must be making a face, or a noise, or some sign he feels like hurling, because Ranmaru asks, "You okay?"

Reiji can only shrug meekly, a lame response. It aches when he moves his arm.

"I don't know," he admits. There isn't a point in hiding it. "I... feel weird."

"Well, no shit," Ranmaru says, but he doesn't look too sure. Neither of them really have experience with this. "You gonna die?"

"I don't think so."

"You're fine then."

Reiji smiles a little, at the indifference replacing Ranmaru's concern. This is more like it. His hands still shake but at the very least, he finds comfort in him.

Later that night, curled up to Ranmaru's side, Reiji finds himself slipping in and out of consciousness. It's a strange mix between faintness and fatigue, and he isn't sure whether he's going to sleep or just pass out. Reiji hasn't slept in so long, he's forgotten how it feels.

When the morning comes, he wishes he'd blacked out.

* * *

It's been days, maybe even a week, since Reiji's had to suffer through another episode. Aine hadn't made an appearance since the first time, resting in the dark corners of Reiji's mind.

But tonight he chooses to come forth. It isn't possible, not in the slightest, but in a sense Aine possess Reiji. He's been ruled by him for the past days, waiting for him to come again, for something simple to trigger another memory.

Reiji's mind has began to go, lost chunks of his life. Aine could tell him anything he wants, and Reiji would believe it because he has no other choice.

His footsteps are the only sound in the room as he paces, watching Reiji like prey. Reiji's heart is calm, a contrast to how fast his thoughts are going. What's Aine got up his sleeve this time?

"Y'know, when someone kills themselves, people always say they'll go to heaven, don't they?" Aine turns toward Reiji, gives him a little smile that makes him want to scream.

It's so cruel to taunt him with these slivers of his friend, _his_ AiAi that always smiled and laughed and told Reiji he would always be his friend. Even now, months, years, so long into his time here that he's accepted he'll never leave, he still remembers bits and pieces that he always knew he'd never forget.

Reiji swallows and nods, but it isn't enough.

"Speak, Fido."

If his pride were still with him, he'd be offended. "Yes," Reiji chokes out, on the verge of tears.

Aine's face softens, but only for a minute. "Yes," he repeats. "And when you go to heaven, you get wings, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Good boy. You aren't so dumb," Aine comments, walking to stand in front of him.

Reiji has to look up to see his eyes — he's already learned what happens when he doesn't look him in the eye. It's unnerving, staring into the black abyss that was once such a pretty blue. Aine notices, because he smiles briefly.

"There's something they don't ever think of," Aine says it almost teasingly, caressing Reiji's cheek.

It's another way to torture him, giving him the touches he'd wanted his entire life and Reiji braces himself for what he'll do to ruin this one. He doesn't feel the sting of a slap, or the ache of a punch, or a blade, but fingertips trailing down his face, tracing the curves of his cheek. Aine's thumb brushes his lips, and he clenches his jaw. Aine chuckles.

"You can get wings here, too," he continues, eyeing his mouth. "I got mine. You know I like to share the love."

Reiji forces a smile. Aine's happy with it, because he smiles back. For a second, it feels like he's done the right thing, before Aine shoves him back against the wall. He reaches down to his boot, a part of his appearance Reiji thought was a sick joke the first time he'd seen him. One bare foot and one boot, torn jeans, the black dress shirt Reiji had gave him on his 24th birthday because he'd said he wanted nicer clothes than _'the shit I always wear.'_ The outfit he'd died in.

Aine presses his chest against Reiji's, gives him a rough kiss that hurts more than anything else. Reiji's arms hang limp at his sides, unsure what he should do until Aine grabs his hands and places them on his hips. His touch is freezing.

"I won't bite," Aine reassures. He's taunting him, asking him to get into it, to forget they're not on the same side. "C'mon. Hold me."

Reiji's shaking, but he does it, bringing the other closer. Aine smiles, pressing gentle kisses along his face and neck, and Reiji almost sighs in relief. Anything could be a trick question at this point, he's learned.

Being uncomfortable is better than being kicked in the ribs.

Aine bites, and Reiji holds back a cry. It fucking _stings_ , but he doesn't draw blood. He just bit hard enough to hurt like a bitch.

"The quieter you are, the more I'll do it," Aine mumbles, cold fingers brushing his hair off his neck to do the same to it. Reiji lets lets himself whine like a hurt puppy, a pathetic sound that makes his friend laugh. "Awe. Does that hurt, baby?"

Reiji nods, feeling blood trickle down from his first wound of the day. "It hurts," he breathes, wheezing when he's turned around and his chest hits the wall forcefully, knocking the wind out of him. His shirt is lifted, something sharp and cold pressing between his shoulder blades.

"Getting your wings is gonna hurt like a bitch then," Aine chuckles darkly, kissing right above the spot before the knife digs in.

"Fuck!" It's horrible, excruciating — Reiji can't move without shoving the knife through himself, and can't form the words to beg for him to stop. He wants to vomit from the pain that spreads through his body, even though it isn't close to the worst he's felt during his visits with Aine. As he drags the blade down, Reiji resorts to sobbing and swearing and pounding his fist on the wall until it hurts too much to move his arm.

He wants to go home.

He wants to take it back.

He didn't know what wanting to die felt like until he got here.

* * *

When Reiji wakes up, regains consciousness, whichever it is, his back aches. He wishes it were a dream. Maybe then he'd be able to forget it, to move on like he didn't have the absolute pleasure of reliving it.

Ranmaru's still asleep, snoring away on Reiji's chest. If he's careful, he won't need to explain what happened to him. He'll never know and everything will be fine. Reiji will forget again.

The phantom pain in his back says otherwise. Even if Ranmaru doesn't ask, he'll still feel it. That day, he'd had his ribs ripped out, felt every single movement and break and gush of cold air.

Wings.

A sick joke.

Reiji has always had to admire his tormentor's sense of humor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this shit i've had to google for this story. my fbi agent is going to be on my ass soon.


	17. duplicity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ranmaru can't place why this grinds his gears so much. Why he doesn't stop and think like a normal person. The longer it goes on the more ridiculous and fake it gets, but when he snags Toki by the collar his pathetic grunt is as real as ever.

A week, and Reiji's begging Ranmaru for them to stop, as if he was making them keep it up. Ranmaru doesn't like it any more than Reiji does. It wasn't even his idea. But he can see that Reiji isn't really Reiji now. At this point, he doesn't doubt he's confused.

The entire week, he's watched him decline. He barely trusted this little solution, but watching Reiji slowly get sick, even more offbeat than normal, he hates it more and more. He hates Toki more and more. That asshole is doing this to Ranmaru's buddy. Unlikely, weird ass, buddy. Boyfriend. Whatever he is to him now.

When Reiji said it was Toki's idea, Ranmaru didn't like it. Toki hasn't done shit but ruin the poor guy's life. Life? Ranmaru doesn't know. He's too pissy to care.

Reiji showed up on his doorstep like a lost puppy tonight. He'd started home and didn't make it far before he felt too sick to be alone and turned around. Ranmaru felt bad. This guy tugs at his heartstrings like it's nothing.

They sit at the table for what seems like an hour before Reiji finally speaks up.

"I feel dizzy."

"Lay down," Ranmaru suggests. He's tired, too. He wants to go to sleep already.

"I can't," Reiji fiddles with his coat sleeve, looking down at the floor. He looks like he'll cry, and it makes Ranmaru frown.

"What's wrong, Reiji?"

He's quiet. He opens his mouth, but he doesn't say anything, until he finally gets it together enough to. "I've started to sleep."

"Is that bad?"

Reiji stares at the middle of the table, before he drags his eyes up to look at Ranmaru. It seems to take all his energy to nod his head. "I see _him_. I can't take it any longer."

Ranmaru taps his fingers on the table, thinking. He isn't sure how to fix this. He hates that he doesn't know what to do to help him. He feels just useless as Reiji has to.

"RanRan, I love you."

The words hang in the air for a long time. Ranmaru doesn't know what to say. Reiji's out of it. He doesn't mean that, hell, can he even feel that type of thing to begin with? Four words, and Ranmaru's mind is spinning again.

Finally, he decides that for now, he'll give him a break. "I love you too."

Reiji seems to relax, leaning his cheek into his hand. "If I can't take this I'll never be..."

"No." Ranmaru knows where that sentence goes. _I'll never be human again_. It's pathetic to give up so easily. "This is just some Toki bullshit."

"But Toki wouldn't... he wouldn't do this."

"He did."

"He didn't."

"Goddammit Reiji, he did. So shut up."

He does shut up, but Ranmaru can tell it hurt his feelings. He's so touchy these past few days, all part of the side effects he guesses, and it's annoying. And sad.

"Where's that fuck hang out?" Ranmaru asks, and Reiji thinks for a second. He's given up insisting Toki's his perfect friend.

"A casino on, um... I don't know where," Reiji admits, sighing. "I know the way there."

"No, I'm goin' alone."

"No you aren't."

"Yes I am," Ranmaru insists. "If you come you'll mess it up."

* * *

The air is warm and reeks of booze and gamblers. Ranmaru hates casinos. They're crawling with people like Toki. Like his father.

Reiji told him he hangs out in the corners, and so Ranmaru pushes his way through the crowds to try and find him. When he does, Toki barely looks past Ranmaru's boots before he starts to move.

So they're going to play this game, now, are they?

Toki's fucked up and he knows it, so he's gonna run.

Pussy.

Ranmaru can't place why this grinds his gears so much. Why he doesn't stop and think like a normal person. The longer it goes on the more ridiculous and fake it gets, but when he snags Toki by the collar his pathetic grunt is as real as ever.

Toki stops, and turns around when Ranmaru lets lets him go. He's already given up fighting. "You're not very good at greeting people."

"Says Usain Bolt." Toki's snicker makes Ranmaru feel sick. "We need to talk."

"We're talking now aren't we?"

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't be a smartass, fuckwad."

"Oh," Toki's eyebrows shoot up. "You don't have to be so kind."

Ranmaru scoffs. He opens his mouth, but he isn't sure what to say just yet. How _does_ he confront this guy? What _does_ he say?

"What're you doin' to Reiji?" He decides it's vague enough. If he's guilty he'll know right away. At least Ranmaru has the decency to assume it could be a very unlikely coincidence.

"Helping him," Toki says, not missing a heartbeat. "He wanted to be human again, and it's the only good way I know."

He probably gambles. He has a good poker face. Ranmaru would never be convinced by so little anyways.

"Do I get an explanation? Y'know. Bein' the blood bank and all."

Toki shrugs. Ranmaru follows closely behind as he moves to a quieter spot, leaning against the wall. "Reiji's very fragile. I assume you're here because he's not doing so hot."

"Say I am," Ranmaru prompts.

"You are," Toki replies flatly, not giving him time to respond before he continues. "He won't die, so why should it matter?"

Before, Ranmaru may have agreed. But he's learned a lot from his new pal, too much to stick to his old mantra. Not everything is so simple anymore. Nothing ever really _was_.

"Some things are worse than death."

"Oh, get over yourself. You don't know the half of it," he frowns. "I think we're done here."

"I don't think so," Ranmaru steps forward. The few inches he has on Toki helps his confidence, even if the guy could snap his neck like a pencil. "How don't I get it?"

Toki studies his face for a second, as if attempting to see if he meant it or not. And then, he laughs.

"You really do think you know how Reiji feels, don't you? How _I_ feel? I've been through Hell too." Toki's smile falls as he pauses. "Your life is nowhere near Hell. I don't pity you."

Ranmaru has to remind himself he isn't here to let Toki get into his mind. Reiji. For Reiji. "Fine. So you wanna tell me about this?" Hr doesn't know how to elaborate, but he shouldn't have to.

"Reiji will get better," Toki reassures.

"I don't think you believe that."

Toki's eyes flicker away from his face. He's silent, and they keep their staring contest up for a few minutes before he speaks again.

"I told him not to."

"So you knew it'd fuck him up."

"I did. Because Reiji is too weak." Toki crosses his arms. "His sorry excuse for a vessel is no better."

"And what happens now?"

"I..." He pauses, looks down. "I don't know."

"He's just a guinea pig, isn't he?" Ranmaru asks.

"He's a man who got what he wanted."

Ranmaru knows this isn't all. He's thought it over too much, and there's too much missing. Toki has too much missing. He can hear the slightest hint of emotion in Toki's voice, the little bit of anger and resentment that Ranmaru knows so well. His entire life has been anger and resentment. The man is a moron if he thinks he can slip those past Ranmaru.

He should've just stayed the fuck at home that night.

"Y'know Reiji. Y'know he's got next to no brains," Ranmaru says the words, but he doesn't quite believe them. "So why would you even _tell_ him about somethin' that he can't handle?"

Toki is quiet. They stare at each other again, so long Ranmaru feels uncomfortable.

"Reiji isn't stupid. He's naive but he isn't stupid," Toki readjusts his sleeve. Nervously. He's nervous. "Reiji is many things that you don't know."

"Enlighten me."

"Let's go somewhere else," he offers. Toki's demeanor is melting from confident to sincere. Ranmaru doesn't know if he likes it.

"Here is good enough."

Toki sighs. He's quiet once again, but this time around it's something other than stubbornness. "Reiji and I have a past."

"A past?"

"He wouldn't know it. He doesn't know it," he corrects. "We go way back, but he's forgotten."

"Is that why you wanna make him suffer? Just 'cause he forgot about you?" Ranmaru _pfft_ s. "That's a little sad."

"It isn't just that," Toki defends himself, his annoyance breaking the brief moment of softness.

"Don't leave me on the edge of my seat," he taunts.

Toki adjusts his sleeve, roughly. His mouth tries to decide whether it wants to smile or frown.

"Reiji was my Aine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so long to get flowing but i finally got going


	18. duplicity ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We were best friends. Until that cocksucker came along and took the only guy that ever got me."

Ranmaru takes a moment to process what Toki's said.

 _Reiji was my Aine_.

Has Reiji even told him about Aine?

Surely he has, but the way Toki says it, the way his voice fills with anger and sadness that the normally stoic man doesn't bother to repress, Ranmaru feels that it's more personal than that. And if...

"Reiji... was your...?" Ranmaru feels too dumbfounded to accuse Toki of pulling it from his ass just yet.

Toki nods. "He thinks he remembers that night, but he doesn't. He only knows what Aine drilled into his brain all those years," he sneers. "He only remembers what _he_ wants him to."

"Take a step back," he suggests. "You knew Reiji?"

"Yes. More than knew," Toki smiles, almost fondly, before the smile drops again. "We were best friends. Until that cocksucker came along and took the only guy that ever got me. You know, he's why we started to practice. We wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for Aine."

 _This mess_. Does he mean theirs? Does he mean the one he's standing in now? Ranmaru doesn't stop him to ask. If he distracts him, he might stop talking.

"Why don't we play with things we shouldn't? Why don't we grown ass men act like moronic children?" Toki's face contorts in disgust, absolutely pissed off. It seems Ranmaru opened the floodgates. "Why don't we leave Toki behind like always?

That night, when Reiji died, I was there. We were practicing. There was a fight. Aine ran off and drowned himself, and I suppose you know what Reiji went and did."

"Two sides to every story," Ranmaru says, and it surprises him as soon as he does. He's never believed that.

"Heh. I guess," he agrees. "We went out to look for him. Reiji saw him first. He went back in the house and by the time I'd gone in after him he'd headed back outside and jumped right in." He makes a face. "There was blood all over the bathroom."

Ranmaru waits. Toki seems to think about it, and he lets him for once.

"When I finally got the picture I called the police but you know what they thought. They didn't believe I didn't have a hand in it. They wanted to take me downtown.

My parents didn't have a lot of money, and I didn't either. I couldn't get a lawyer if I wanted one. I'd go to jail. Pretty boy like me wouldn't last in jail anyways, so you know what? Joined the swim team," Toki chuckles darkly, "And I woke up just to see Reiji's face again."

They stand awkwardly when he finishes, and Ranmaru tries to form a response.

"Wouldn't he remember his best friend?" He finally asks.

"He was head over heels for that pastel piece of shit," Toki shakes his head. "I _was_ his best friend, but they were closer. I was the young one. They were the same age. We were all messed up, but they were fucked up in the same way. Reiji wanted someone that understood him. I wasn't that."

"So now you hate him."

"When your best friend tortures you for years, he doesn't really stay your best friend," Toki points out. It's a fair statement. "And every time he gets back out, he does the same shit to me."

* * *

Reiji's asleep on the couch when Ranmaru returns. That sweet, sleeping face... Ranmaru wants to say he couldn't have done that. He's so loyal.

But he's seen him get upset. Toki's right. Reiji spends most of his time alone or with Ranmaru, not Toki. Ranmaru doesn't feel the least bit sorry for that self pitying loser, but he's a little torn regardless. It wouldn't be the first time in his life that someone lied to Ranmaru to get in his pants.

So many people have abandoned Ranmaru.

So many people have left him to take the blame for things.

For the first time, he finds himself squatting down next to Reiji before he wakes him up. He runs his fingers over his cheek, brushes his hair behind his ear. He's been asleep awhile, tossing and turning — it's messy.

Reiji grunts, jolting awake when Ranmaru's hand rests on his cheek. The flash of panic in his eyes makes Ranmaru frown.

Reiji's like a beaten puppy. Toki is nothing but a vengeful bastard. Reiji needs Ranmaru. He hasn't been needed in years, and probably wouldn't be needed ever again if Reiji hadn't sat in his place at the old dock, with that shitty cheap beer in his hand.

"Hey," he smiles when he realizes it's merely Ranmaru, placing his hand over Ranmaru's. "How'd it go?"

Ranmaru's face must have given it away before he could put it in words. "Well... that's for you to decide."

"That doesn't sound good."

"Not really."

"You didn't hurt him, did you?"

Ranmaru wants to be mad. Reiji cares so much about that bastard. But he can't be angry with him. For all he knows, Reiji's playing dumb. He can't tell anymore. He doesn't feel like deciphering people anymore.

"No," he answers, standing up. "I'll tell you in the mornin'. I'm goin' to bed. Where normal people sleep."

Reiji gives him a weak smile, pushing himself up to follow him. He won't relent though, and as soon as he settles in next to Ranmaru, he asks again, "How'd it go?"

Ranmaru sighs, running his fingers through Reiji's hair. "I don't know if he's being honest," he begins, and it's true. He doesn't. Toki could just be a rousing actor. "He told me that... that uh, he knew you. And Aine."

Aine's name makes Reiji flinch, in turn squeezing Ranmaru's heart. "I don't..." Reiji thinks, eyebrows furrowing. "I don't remember him."

"He said he was your best friend. 'Fore that guy," he says, careful to avoid Aine's name.

"I don't remember him," Reiji repeats, snuggling his face into Ranmaru's chest. "I would tell you if I did. I would tell him if I did."

"I know, baby," Ranmaru reassures, the nickname slipping out before he can think about it. Reiji doesn't seem to notice, only nuzzling his cheek against his shirt.

 _I know, baby,_ he says.

But he thinks, _Do I really know anything?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hated to break the p.o.v. pattern, but i really wanted to have a cliffhanger + also continue it so deal for now, kiddos
> 
> also i posted this and forgot i just posted smth so.... sorry lol i didnt mean to


	19. familiarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiji isn't sure what he should think anymore, and so he opts to not think at all for the moment.

Even in his dreams, Reiji feels exhausted. He's so sick and tired of this, going to sleep with Ranmaru and waking up to see Aine. It's become a regular thing, and he wishes that just for a moment, he would get a break. Every nightmare is another hit to what's left of his sanity.

Tonight, it's different. It isn't a memory of Hell, though it might as well be just as bad.

* * *

The air is warm, and the sun beats down on their little group. The day they went to hang out at the lake with a few of Aine's other friends, Kei and Hibiki, the day Reiji could never forget.

Aine had put his hair up, because the wind was annoying him, and Reiji had stared for most of the day. He was pretty, and sweet, and kind, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't have a thing for the man.

It was late afternoon before they went inside to play cards and shit around and talk. "So, you work or anything?" Kei asks Reiji, trying to start a conversation.

"Family restaurant," Reiji nods. Kei seems to want to say something snarky, but doesn't. "I uh, cook sometimes 'n wait 'n stuff."

Aine puts his arm around his shoulders, looking at him and ruffling his hair. "Cook sometimes? You're amazing," he smiles, a genuine, sweet smile.

Then he looks to the other two, and brags on Reiji's cooking for what feels like hours. He's so proud of him, for whatever reason Reiji can't figure out. More proud of him than anyone has ever been. Aine is a sweetheart, and that's all he knows, even after the years they've been friends.

Late into the night, they say their goodbyes, but before Reiji can leave Aine grabs his wrist and pulls him back inside.

"I had a lot of fun today," Aine smiles, that pure smile. "Do you like those two?"

Reiji nods, smiling back. "Biki's kinda weird, but yeah, they're alright."

"Biki?" Aine chuckles. "I think you like him more than you let on, if you've already got a nickname for him."

He shrugs, glancing down at their hands. Aine has intertwined their fingers, and he pulls Reiji closer. He has to tilt his head up to look Aine in the eyes, and when he does, the other kisses his cheek.

"Drive safe," he says softly, and lets go of his hand.

Reiji almost wrecks halfway home that night, the closest he's come to an accident since he bought this car, because he can't stop thinking of him. Aine's hands were warm and soft, just as warm and soft as his lips were when he kissed him. Kissed him! Reiji feels like the luckiest man in the world. Apart from almost crashing.

* * *

When Reiji stirs awake, the familiar warmth of Ranmaru not beside him, he rubs his eyes hard, as if he could scrub the image of Aine's hand holding his out of his mind.

For a second, he wanders. Where are Kei and Hibiki now? Did Hibiki ever start that acting job he wanted? He shakes his head. This isn't good. It isn't good to dwell, especially not on that life. It isn't his life anymore. Reiji can never go back, and so he should leave it.

He shuffles into Ranmaru's kitchen, finds him sitting at the table looking out the window. His hair is down and fluffy, and he looks pretty the way the light hits his face.

"Hey," Ranmaru turns towards Reiji, gives him a faint smile. "Sleep alright?"

Reiji pauses for a moment, trying to decide whether to lie or not. "I guess."

"Good. We got places to go."

"Places to go?" Reiji takes a seat, running his fingers through his hair to wake himself up as much as he can.

Ranmaru gets quieter as he talks. He must know it isn't something Reiji wants to hear. "Yeah. Figure, maybe you can tell if Toki's bullshitting better than I can."

"I didn't know him RanRan."

"I believe you. But people forget things."

Reiji's silent, staring at his hands before he gets up. "People lie, too."

He hears him sigh as he walks towards the door. They both know he'll come back, because the walk is too long for Reiji. It makes him feel sick to walk so much. Ranmaru's just trying to help, but he doesn't know how _tired_ —

His hand grabs his wrist, and Reiji winces at the flash of that night. Ranmaru pulls him back in the house, careful not to tug him over the step and trip him.

"Reiji, c'mon," he starts, but Reiji doesn't let him finish before he hugs him.

The weight of Ranmaru's hand on his head calms him down. He shouldn't be angry. Ranmaru's done so much for him, with him. He's better than... no, that isn't fair. He curls his fingers into his shirt, squeezing his eyes shut.

Reiji isn't sure what he should think anymore, and so he opts to not think at all for the moment.

* * *

Seeing Toki is a new experience, even if he doesn't quite believe what Ranmaru's told him. He looks different, sharper, more untrustworthy than Reiji's always seen him as. It takes so little to change his mind, especially now that he's too worn out to be stubborn.

None of them say anything for a while. They've stepped outside into the alleyway beside the casino Toki seems to call home, occasionally interrupted by couples leaving to rent a shitty hotel room a block away. Reiji thinks they probably look like they're dealing drugs. If only this life were that simple.

Toki is the one to break the silence. "I assume Kurosaki told you about our chat."

Reiji nods, and doesn't say anything even though he probably can't see the shake of his head. It's late, and it's gotten dark outside. Not to mention even chillier than normal.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

"No," Reiji admits. "I remember that night. The whole damn year. You weren't there."

"No, you remember what Aine tells you," Toki knows that his name makes Reiji uncomfortable. "And you know why he omitted me?"

He waits, and then shakes his head when Toki doesn't say anything. Ranmaru keeps quiet beside Reiji, and his being there makes him feel calmer.

"Because you _always_ thought he's the only one you did wrong," Toki's voice picks up an emotion — maybe anger, maybe sadness — that Reiji has never heard from him before. "And you never questioned what happened to me."

"I didn't know you."

Toki crosses his arms. "Sure didn't. If you did, we wouldn't be here. We wouldn't be dead," he looks down, like he wants to add something, and changes his mind.

Reiji's quiet. It's now that his brain begins to work a little more. He never knew Toki. But if he doesn't remember torturing Toki, that means that it wasn't really him. And that means...

"You know how selfish you are?" Toki interrupts his realization. "You've never cared about me, not even now. You go off and mess around with some loner who wears _guyliner_."

Ranmaru shifts on his feet, and Reiji can tell the little remark irks him. "I do care about you," he decides is appropriate. "Which is why I don't know why you'd try to ruin my life."

Toki sighs, turning around. Ranmaru realizes what he's doing before Reiji can. If it weren't for him, Hiro would be drunkard skewer. Toki had pulled a knife.

Reiji didn't have time to feel betrayed, more so than he already did, because if weren't for _him_ Ranmaru wouldn't have ten fingers anymore. It makes Reiji's head swim to try to muster up all the strength he can to get it from Toki's hands, and his arms are shaking with the strain by the time it drops on the ground.

Ranmaru is quick to grab it up, but not fast enough stop Toki from slapping Reiji. It stings, both in his face and in his heart.

"You want to use that on me?" Toki asks Ranmaru, his old, taunting voice returned. "Go ahead Kurosaki. Two birds with one stone."

He can't process what it means before Ranmaru takes him up on the offer, and Reiji feels his heart sink into his stomach when he watches Toki fall to his knees, cradling his wounded stomach.

It isn't Toki anymore.

It's his vessel.

Reiji feels his throat close up, watching black blood ooze from the man's nose. That's Toki. The red seeping through his shirt isn't, and though he's shaky, he moves to the man's side.

Ranmaru is confused, but seems to realize what's happened. He stops Reiji from pulling the knife out, and they both cringe as the man begins to cough.

"I'm gonna—" Ranmaru is panicked, more so than Reiji's ever seen him. "I'm gonna go inside and call 911. You stay here."

He watches him disappear through the back door, then turns to the man again. Reiji lays him down gently before he can fall backwards, stroking his face and smoothing his bangs from his forehead. He's begun to sweat profusely. It startles him when he grabs his wrist, doing his best to wheeze out his last words.

"What's happened to me?" The words are slurred with pain.

"Nothing," Reiji whispers, close to his face. "You'll be alright."

"Please, tell me." A cringe-worthy cough. Reiji fights the urge to wipe away the blood that leaks from his mouth. "Please."

He's quiet, fingers still caressing his cheek, a poor attempt to calm a dying man. "I don't know," he lies.

"What was in me?"

He coughs, and begins to choke on the blood coming up, and Reiji doesn't think before he sits him back up to let him work it out. The man grabs his stomach instinctively, pushing the knife in deeper. Reiji's never heard such an ugly cry. Not since the woman.

"I don't know," Reiji lies again.

He wishes he would've told the man the truth before his eyes fell closed, unconscious with pain or otherwise. Reiji isn't sure what to do, sitting there with his blood soaking into his own jeans, spilling out of the wound much too fast. If Ranmaru had hit just a little farther to the left...

But then again, it's better if he does die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i regret not just giving my chapters numbers
> 
> didn't proofread the end bc i got stuff to do but im very excited for the chapters to come now! i hope u are too.


	20. regret ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His trips to the gym are supposed to be relaxing, familiar and comforting. Now the time spent in the locker room shower only gives him more time to think, and for once in his life he doesn't want it.

Ranmaru hasn't been able to sleep for days. Every time he closes his eyes, he thinks of the innocent man he stabbed, and for what? If Reiji is right, Toki isn't even dead. You can't kill what's already dead.

He sighs, running his fingers through his hair. His trips to the gym are supposed to be relaxing, familiar and comforting. Now the time spent in the locker room shower only gives him more time to think, and for once in his life he doesn't want it.

The smile the woman at the desk gives him doesn't process, and it isn't reciprocated like it normally is. _I killed a man and ran_ , Ranmaru thinks. _Don't fucking smile at me._

When he gets home, it's straight to the couch for a long, much needed nap. He feels like collapsing. His muscles hurt, and so does his head. The dreams of the man come and go, and he's not sure whether knowing how it ended for him or letting himself imagine every possible way is worse.

* * *

Reiji trudges to his flat hours later, the knock on the door waking him up. There's only one person who swings by and he doesn't knock, so Ranmaru knows Reiji must feel like shit too.

They sit at the dining table and drink coffee, something Ranmaru had sworn off years ago because it was addictive. But now the energy is welcome, even at 1 in the afternoon. He almost shrugs him away when Reiji comes behind him to massage his shoulders, after he's put his mug in the sink. He doesn't feel like he deserves the affection Reiji's so readily given him for months.

"You didn't know what would happen," he says softly, reading his mind.

He knows Ranmaru so well. Better than any of his ex-friends who had known him for years. The level of understanding between them almost comforts him for a second.

"I shouldn't have done it either way. But his stupid fucking _face_ —" Ranmaru sighs heavily. "—Fuck. Just fuck."

Reiji pats his shoulders, before wrapping his arms around them, resting his chin on his head. "Don't do that. You didn't do anything wrong," he reassures, before adding more quietly, "If anything, I did."

"No, shut up. You didn't," Ranmaru closes his eyes, and lets lets himself lean back into Reiji's chest.

He wants it to all be over. He's done doing this, whatever this is, and he just wants it to be finished. Why couldn't Reiji just be a normal guy? A normal guy Ranmaru could date and fall in love with and finally be fucking happy for once with? Reiji brushes his hair from Ranmaru's face gently, snapping him of his thoughts.

"Let's not argue about it," he suggests. "Let's just do something. Forget it for now."

It seems like Ranmaru has rubbed off on him. "Got somethin' in mind?"

"No. Not much to do 'round here."

"Yeah," Ranmaru looks out the window. "Not a lot."

Boredom is one of the few free things you get along with your shitty flat in a shitty town with shitty people. Ranmaru knows that he could've asked his family for help months ago, but he's not quite sunken that low yet. Maybe he will, some day. Maybe soon. But money isn't repayment for all the years they treated him like a stranger in his own home. He surprises himself by thinking of them as his family.

Must be the fact they have money again.

And they still haven't given him a fucking penny of it.

Ranmaru's sulking is left behind when they finally decide to head out to a bar. They could both use a drink, and while the convenience store beer in his fridge would suffice, Reiji insists they leave the flat for a few hours. It smells like self pity, he says. He isn't wrong, either. Somehow, Reiji manages to smile at the bartender, and every pretty woman that looks his way. Damn flirt.

"You feelin' better?" Ranmaru asks, once they find a booth off to the side.

Reiji has to think, and still seems unsure. "I don't feel so weak, but I don't know if..."

 _If it's you or if it's Toki_.

"That's good," Ranmaru interrupts. "You seem a little more normal. As normal as you get."

He smiles, a sweet smile Ranmaru hasn't seen in weeks. "You're mean," he says, half-heartedly kicking his foot under the table. "I was gonna pay but now I don't know."

He pays anyways. Ranmaru doesn't have anything to pay with, they both know it. It's embarrassing, but he's learned to deal with it after all these years. It isn't new.

Reiji grabs his hands from across the table, giving him a small smile. "This is kind of a first date, innit?" He teases, trying so hard to lighten the mood.

"Yeah. Kinda is."

"Tell me about yourself," he says, and it gets a snort out of Ranmaru.

"I like long walks on the beach." Reiji laughs, and his smile grows a little. "And my anthem is _Hells Bells_."

Reiji giggles more, and he laughs a little too. Things were better when Reiji was just a slightly threatening stranger he sang Hells Bells to. The thought dampens his mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woof. i forgot i had this ready to post (question mark? i skimmed it lmfao)


	21. damnation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If there's a bright side, Reiji thinks it's that now he understands Hiro a little more. Hiro wasn't so unlike Ranmaru, he learns, reading this little sliver of his life over and over again. Reiji feels a pang of pity. For all of them.

The week has been a process of getting Ranmaru to feel better, a long and difficult one that Reiji almost gives up on multiple times. Despite their involvement, he can't find himself devoted to him just yet. The brief break in his mind is starting to repair itself, at least if you're an optimist. More precisely, the man that had met Ranmaru at the dock was beginning to seep into the cracks. And although he hates it, despises it; Reiji feels so much more at peace feeling something familiar again. He frowns to himself, knowing just how much he clings to what he hates. The way he's always been.

Reiji has come back to Hiro's home, though it isn't to stay. He's made himself a constant guest at Ranmaru's flat, and he doesn't look forward to changing that. Tonight they have research to do, and he's sure Hiro has more occult books on hand than a public library would.

Besides that, he has his own findings, which looking through teaches Reiji that maybe he wasn't as worthless as he thought. None of the notebooks he's scribbled in have anything of much use to him now, but Hiro seems to... know his shit, as Ranmaru would say. Sometimes the pages seem written in a frenzy, as if Hiro ran out of time to finish them, and sometimes they stopped short; a flaw Reiji associates with the stains on the papers. He isn't sure how, maybe he's tapped into a part of Hiro's mind he didn't want him to, but he knows they're from alcohol.

Ranmaru left the office space a while ago. He claimed he needed fresh air, but Reiji knows it's really just strange to him. It's a little strange to him, too, but at least he knows what most of it means. At times Reiji has to stop himself, and consider how Ranmaru seems to have been normal before he came along.

He hears his heavy footsteps down the hall an hour or so later, looking up from the papers in his hands.

"Nothin'?" Ranmaru asks, visibly disappointed when Reiji shakes his head. "Dammit."

Reiji pats the spot beside him on the floor. "Maybe if I had help, I'd find somethin'."

"Yeah, yeah, get off my ass," he complains, but he comes and sits and skims the books on the shelf anyways.

They began in the early afternoon, and it's dark by the time either of them find anything of use. A sudden, splitting headache accompanies the drunken handwriting. Reiji doesn't like what he reads when he deciphers the rushed handwriting, and from the racket Hiro is throwing in his head, it feels as though he didn't like writing it, either. He wrote it in length, in detail, mentioning a Chinatsu, who seemed to have been in the same situation as Reiji, but the point was clear enough.

Ranmaru must notice his sour expression as he reads, because he leans over. "Somethin' wrong?"

"No," Reiji says it, but it's clearly a lie. He sets it aside before he can read it. Ranmaru doesn't question him further, and Reiji has never been happier with his shyness.

Hours pass, and Ranmaru's bitching comes to a crescendo. They decide to leave, but Reiji's eyes linger on the notebook a little longer. He rips the page out when Ranmaru is out of earshot, tossing the notebook back on the desk and shoving the page into his pocket. He'll read it more, just to be sure he knows what Hiro meant.

When Ranmaru goes to bed, Reiji doesn't follow like usual. He stays in the kitchen, fishing out the page to reread until his eyes begin to ache. Part of Reiji knows that if they break their deal, Ranmaru's family may not be so lucky. He's never heard of anyone breaking one, and the tales Toki shared with him are no longer reliable. He doesn't figure it'll end well.

If there's a bright side, Reiji thinks it's that now he understands Hiro a little more. Hiro wasn't so unlike Ranmaru, he learns, reading this little sliver of his life over and over again. Reiji feels a pang of pity. For all of them.

Hiro writes of _Chinatsu_ , a woman Reiji can only guess was his wife. She was a demon, too. She was more run of the mill than Reiji is, because she went back on their deal and the paper Reiji's holding is one that entails how Hiro planned to break it.

Why give his soul to someone for nothing? Reiji got the sentiment. But Hiro had searched for months, almost a year, and had only found the worst possible way Reiji could think of. He sighs, rubs his face with his hands, before folding the paper into his pocket and joining Ranmaru at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> typical excuse of mine: wanna get this and dont have a bunch of time, so not proofread too well


	22. extraspection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like he always does, Reiji knows. He understands what Ranmaru's thinking before he says it. He pats his hand, the normally comforting gesture nearly making Ranmaru flinch.

When Reiji comes clean about what he found, Ranmaru's stomach feels like it's on fire. Reiji kept this to himself for a week, but he can't blame him because he would have too.

"I don't want to," Ranmaru says it like it will change anything, like the letters on the page will rearrange. "There's another way. There's got to be."

Like he always does, Reiji knows. He understands what Ranmaru's thinking before he says it. He pats his hand, the normally comforting gesture nearly making Ranmaru flinch. "It's the only way we've found. It's the only one we know works," Reiji frowns. Damn him. Why does he always have to say the truth like that?

"He's a drunk. He probably didn't know what he was writing."

Reiji doesn't respond. They both know that's not true. Just as Reiji can hear Ranmaru's thoughts, they can both hear the sincerity of Hiro's writing.

"I _can't_ kill you," Ranmaru's eyes switch between Reiji and the paper, like he wants it to be a joke. A stupid prank. Something.

"I don't want to die, either, but..." Reiji trails off. He hesitates before he continues. "I've been good as dead for years. And you have a life in front of you."

He's right. Damn him, he's always right. The hours that follow are full of denial, the same question over and over. _Isn't there another one? Someone else we can go to?_

Ranmaru hasn't realized had attached he's become to Reiji. He's been a constant in his life for months now, a source of everything he's been missing his entire, lonely little life. What does he have ahead of him? What's in front of him that's so obvious? Ranmaru hasn't considered when his days with Reiji would end, and it looks like he should've. It would've made now a lot easier.

Reiji leaves him to retrieve a gun from Hiro's home. He told Ranmaru he found one in his earlier days there, a pistol locked away in a desk drawer he'd snooped through. Ranmaru wasn't surprised. Now he wishes he had never found that gun.

It gives him time to think, though. He sits on his couch, head in his hands. Ranmaru knows it's dumb to be so upset about this, but it's really the same as everything else he feels about Reiji. He hadn't felt anything in so long before he came along, and he finally forced the numbness away; the nights he'd spend getting drunk off his ass, just to forget how much everyone hated him; the way his life went on a downward spiral just years before, when everyone left him; Reiji forced it all away. After hearing what he assumed of Hiro, it seems Reiji did that for both of them.

What happens to Hiro never crossed his mind. Hiro had a wife — what if he had a kid? He has to have a job, friends, something he'll miss. Ranmaru's mind runs through all these questions endlessly until the front door opens and the couch dips beside him.

Reiji puts his hand on Ranmaru's knee.

"What am I supposed to do with the body?" Ranmaru asks, ruining the comfort the silence gave him.

Reiji doesn't seem to have thought of it. His niavety is reassuring. "Hiro has a big backyard."

Ranmaru looks at the floor. "I can't bury you."

He squeezes his knee, and before Ranmaru knows it he's pressing the pistol to his chest for him to take. "You'll have to, RanRan."

Hearing him say his stupid little nickname for him, the one he rarely used anymore, it breaks Ranmaru. His face feels hot before he feels the tears running down it, and Reiji hugs his shoulders in a poor attempt to comfort him. Nothing will make this easier.

And within Reiji's last hours, they listen to Ranmaru's radio in silence. He combs his fingers through Ranmaru's hair, and it feels backward; Ranmaru isn't the one that's losing his life. He should be comforting Reiji, but it just goes to show how good of a person the man is. Was.

"I don't think you should've gone to Hell," Ranmaru admits quietly. Reiji's hand falters, but it doesn't stop.

"I deserved it."

"No, you didn't. You're not... you aren't bad."

He can't see his face, but Ranmaru knows Reiji smiles. "I know you think so."

They fall into silence again. Ranmaru finds little solace in the fact they don't need any words to know what they want to say. Words would've prolonged the wait. Reiji shifts around, sighing.

"I like this song," Reiji comments. Ranmaru has zoned out, and tries to focus on the music playing. He doesn't recognize the words, but just like them, he knows music doesn't need words to be understood. As the song ends, Reiji's voice becomes softer. "I think it's been long enough."

They exchange _I love you_ s, Ranmaru's last attempt to try to convince Reiji otherwise, but he knows that he's right. He can barely make himself do it even if he knows it's the only way. It isn't late, so chances are not many people are around, too busy enjoying themselves elsewhere. _Today is the second day of my life_ , he thinks, _that I'll be grateful a gunshot isn't weird in this neighborhood_. The first day will come when it's his turn.

Watching the same black ick leak from Reiji that came from Toki, Ranmaru's chest aches. To take it back, to redo all of this, to never have met Reiji in the first place. The end of a chapter of his life was over the second he shot him. Yet he can't bring himself to cry any longer. The numbness eats away at him again, the only thing fighting it off no longer around. He closes Reiji's eyes, and lays there with his head in his lap until the blood and black seeps into his clothes, making them sticky, and he can't stand to look at his peaceful face anymore.

* * *

That night, Ranmaru waits on the doorstep of the Kurosaki home. The doorbell triggers something inside him, and the fact he buried his last friend begins to sink in.

Giulietta answers the door with a smile. "Ranmaru?"

"Hey."

She knows, because she steps aside. She doesn't have to say anything to know Ranmaru is torn up and doesn't want to talk. Giulietta experienced that enough when he was a teenager to recognize it now; and even without that knowledge, he looks like he's seen a ghost.

And as Ranmaru steps inside the warmly lit home, out of the cold of the chilly fall evening, he lets out the breath he's been holding the past months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this over a month ago, but i hope it's at least consistent with my writing for most of this fic bc of that anyways.  
> i fell off this story, but i'm still proud i finished it, and in the way i imagined it going nonetheless.


End file.
